busyyyy busyyyy

School is keeping me prettttyyyy busy, but it's okay. I mean...no, it's not. I'd like the workload to get a little lighter but it could definitely be worse. And half of it is music classes, which I don't mind. I just need to start improving. I struggle whenever I do my songwriting homework, and it takes forever. I struggle when I play the keyboard, so I have to practice more. I struggle doing music theory so I need to read and study more. But, this is all necessary to get better at music and I'm totally going to do it and I'm all for it. If I'm going to be overwhelmed with one subject, I'm glad it's music.

someone help me

i'm drowning in a pool of music theory

The school year begins....

It's late Thursday night, and school started Monday, so after my class tomorrow, the first week will already be over. I can't believe the first week went by so quickly. I feel like this semester is going to fly by. I'm really content with this semester so far, after the disastrous first day I had. But I can tell that I'm really going to enjoy my three music classes, even though I'm really lost. I promised myself that I'd get A+ in my music classes. I would like to try for all 5, though. So I'm looking forward to what this semester will bring. And I already met some nice people in my classes!

On another note, I've really changed, in my opinion. I'm not a huge risk taker but even with small things, I've been getting better this year. I feel like if you're going to regret not taking the chance and could possibly regret taking the chance, you might as well just go for that chance. I've done things that I told myself I could do and faced things that I've struggled head on. I'm really proud of myself. Even with this upcoming semester, I can tell how things are going to play out. A lot of things happened during this past week where I've had to tell myself to calm down and I've had to reassure myself that I can do things. I can do what I want. I won't let anything stop me. I'm determined. I'm really glad that I've finally taken some chances, even if they are small. Hopefully they'll pay off even more.

show me that good things come to those who wait.

you can.

I actually think getting into a relationship is impossible. Like...it has to be.
You start to think so when EVERYONE and their mother are in a relationship. When everyone around you is in one. Especially when someone has been in like....3 different ones in like 3 years! I can't even get into one. It's impossible. It's impossible to talk to guys. Impossible to ever recognize if they like you or want you to get the hell away from them, and impossible to keep liking. Which is why I've had to get over every single guy. It's just....others make it look so easy.
Phases:
1. You like someone.
2. They like you.
3. You start a relationship.

I'm always at phase like....1.5. Never 3. Ever. Or like......2.3. And then it ends. Never makes it to 3. Lately it hasn't even been making it past phase 1. I know you're not supposed to rush these things but it just gets annoying and endless and then you see the people around you....

I wish I could go back....

to before I had anxiety. Like, two or three years ago. It sucks when it comes along one day and since it's something mental, it can't ever really go away. Even if it does go away for a little while, it can always come back or it will always be in the back of your mind. Once it starts, it's here to stay. I wish I could go back to before, before I ever worried about things too much. Because anxiety SUCKS.

Happy Birthday, Aunt Jackie.

Today would have been my Aunt Jackie's 50th birthday. She died of cancer, though, on November 20th, 2002. As I was driving today, I passed the cemetery that she was buried in, and I thought, "Screw you, cancer." I don't think about her a lot, which makes me feel guilty, but when it's her birthday and the anniversary of the day that she died, I do think about her and I miss her. I always did things with her when I was a kid and I know I still would have today if she were still alive. She would have been so much fun. Being  8 or so, she was a lot of fun, and I can just imagine how much fun she'd be right now, when I'm 20. No one in my family is crazy like me but she was. So now I'm the one expected to make things fun and such. I miss her some days, and I wish she were still here. Screw you, cancer. Happy Birthday, Aunt Jackie<3

Everybody hurts...

Ever had a person you liked where, in the end, you didn't end up hurt? Probably not.
Unless they were your first love and they loved you back and you're still together now, chances are you've been hurt by somebody else that you had feelings for.
It's weird. Everyone gets hurt. There's really no situation in which you or the other person won't get hurt.
I feel like many people are reluctant or scared to get in a relationship with someone else either because that person would end up hurt, or the other person would end up hurt. Either way, somebody loses. So why not go for it anyway?
Like, for example: you're a girl with a crush on a guy and that guy has been hurt in the past by another girl, therefore is nervous or hesitant about starting a relationship with you, but he LIKES you. It's like...okay, well if you're going to tell me that we can't date because you're scared of getting hurt, then you, the girl, end up getting hurt. And if the guy doesn't want to get into a relationship with that girl because he's scared he's not ready and he might end up wanting to break up with her, so he tries to spare her feelings by not getting together with her, SHE still ends up being hurt. So basically, you might as well try the relationship out and if you end up hurting her, fine. Either way, she ends up hurt. It's almost a choice of who ends up hurt: you, or are you selfish and just feel that hurting the other person would be best?

And if you like someone, but think...oh, this could end up hurting me in the end, so you try not to like them anymore then you do...that hurts too. Love sucks. Any way you do it, someone gets hurt. No matter who you are.
Love causes pain but everybody gets through it at one point or another. It's just a question of is the pain worth the happiness you'll get before it?

AHAHAHAH

Life is just funny, ya know?
All during high school, in gym class, I couldn't and didn't WANT to do much. I'd get out of breath easily. I'd be too...bored to do anything in gym. Like...it's gym. The only thing exercise I did was played softball outside of school during the spring.
So I'm laughing inside right now because I joined my gym in May 2011, and joining was a joke. I wouldn't go. Like ever. I'd pay $30 for nothing. I'd go maybe once a week during the school year. So when school ended for the summer, I was like, "okay, I'm going to use this membership." I've now been going 5 days a week. School starts again in 9 days though, so we'll see if I keep it up but I REALLY want to. Anyway, I try to jog on the track or treadmill at the gym. JOKE.
Back in May or so, I'd jog on the treadmill. I'd feel so proud if I could get a good 1 minute in without stopping. After that, I switched to the track. I finally got over the fear that I looked like this while running on the track:

So, I just forgot about that and started running on the track. I can't freaking do it. People run for like, ten minutes! I can't even do one! I either get dizzy, have side pain, cramps, stomach pain, or my legs hurt. So today, I asked my friend and she's like, "oh, you have shin splints." So now, I'm googling them and looking them up and you're supposed to rest. Are you kidding me. I'm trying so hard to be able to increase my endurance and now I have this problem preventing me from running at all. These websites say to try alternatives, such as cycling. Good one. I do that already on my bike everyday and on the bike at the gym. But I absolutely LOVE running, even though I can't do it for long at all. I just love the freedom of it. I have bad anxiety, so I like to run it out and just forget about everything. I love sprinting. I love feeling like my legs are going to fall off. And now I can't even do that anymore?!?! Now I'm going from running 20 seconds to no seconds?!? This sucks. I actually wanted to try to get fit and get into shape and be able to run long distances but how can I if my body sucks? My mind is in it, but my body isn't. And I can't even buy actual running shoes since I'm broke. This blows. Guess I'm stuck biking at the gym and walking the track, which gets so boring.

Move Over, Taylor Swift.

I'm comin' for ya.
Your lyrics are getting old fast.
I really wish I knew how to write music. I write lyrics, which at this point, are basically poems since I can't write music. I cannot WAIT for music theory this semester. And my keyboard class. I just want to know what I'm doing when I write music for the lyrics I write. They need a melody. They can't be just words. I need to do more. I have JOURNALS of lyrics from the past like, 8 years, and I need to do something with them.
Of course, I don't out any guy that I liked in my songs. By name, anyway.

I can tell you two things that feel horrible.

1. Anxiety. Something you CANNOT control. Well, you can try. But it's hard. Over the summer, my anxiety has decreased because I don't have much to do. I don't know whether it was the upcoming stress or just today, but today my anxiety was BAD. It was like it was before summer. Which was very horrible. It's really hard to sit comfortably and just be at peace. Something is always nagging you. It's the crappiest feeling.

2. Being excited for something and having it not turn out the way you wanted it to. Disappointment is not fun. Being let down is not fun. Being confused when someone acts a certain way is not fun. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do to prevent disappointment is to try not to get your hopes up....which is really hard.

So....my night tonight? -- > Anxiety attacks + disappointment = mental breakdown.
Had a crying fit tonight, and wasn't even sure exactly what I was crying about, then a half hour later....All better. It's the weirdest thing. Sometimes you just need to cry, vent, write...whatever. It really helps. Some days, it just feels like everything can come buckling down at once, and it can become overwhelming but you need to move on.

aaand the memories come pouring back.

It's always lovely when you're over something and you're living your life all fine and innocent and BAM there's a second where memories just come pouring back into your mind out of nowhere and you're stuck reliving them. I try to shake my head as if they could actually fall out but fail. It's like....no, memories, I don't want you. I just get transported to another world when these memories come. It's like....I freeze, I relive the things that happened in my head, as if I'm in the story all over again. It's not fun. You remember a time when you actually felt happy, and your mind is just like, "Here....remember this?" and maybe it's a way of your mind telling you that at one point, you were happy. But, for now...it's just a stinging remembrance that I would prefer to never enter my head again.

Hopeless Romantic?

I'd say that's what I am. I stumbled across something on tumblr and saw this:

"

Definition of a Hopeless Romantic

Hopeless Romantic:

1: A person who daydreams about romantic occasions and dreams of chances where he/she will be able to perform a romantic act to their love, yet never gets the chance to.

2: This person is in love with love. They believe in fairy tales and love. They’re not to be confused as stalkers or creepy because that’s not what a hopeless romantic is. All hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers, the imaginative, and the fanciful when you get to know them. They often live with rose colored glasses on. They make love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone.

3. A hopeless romantic is not the same as a hopeless flirter. A hopeless romantic dreams of who they will spend the rest of their life with and what the two of them will do together. They want to be romanced with sweet simple things and the thoughtful amazing surprises. They dream of being loved but also loving somebody. They don’t just want somebody to hold them, they also want to hold someone. They realize that love isn’t just about one person but both people, they are hopelessly in love with being loved AND loving back.

4. Someone that thinks of love passionately.

5. A hopeless romantic is one who looks for the a singular person on this world that makes their world come together. They are indeed looking for the man or woman of their dreams. As a result, they prefer not to live in reality. The hopeless romantic knows the reality of love is that reality has no business being in love. This is why they will often perform grandiose gestures that may be seen as unsettling or borderline crazy to non-romantics. But to the fellow few romantics, these same gestures will be adored as beautifully and obscenely quixotic. And such is the “hope” of the hopeless romantic- to not only find the one who loves receiving such love, but loves giving such love. And the true hopeless romantic would always rather give than receive. Because they know then and only then, will there be true love.

"

I'd say that's me in a nutshell.

GAHHHHHH

SO FRUSTRATING.
I can never seem to write a full song anymore.
Ever since middle school, I've been writing lyrics about things going on in my life. I don't know how to write music, so I just write lyrics. But I wouldn't say that they're poems.
So, I have so many journals filled with lyrics I've written.
It just sucks because I'd say, ever since high school ended, I can never seem to write a full song. It's like a line here or there, or a few paragraphs, but I can never seem to finish one and it's so frustrating. I don't know what happened.

Things seem to be going my way...

In certain aspects. I'm scared. Whenever good things happen, I feel like something bad is following. I can't be the only one who feels that way, though...
Like...I went to another one of my doctors today and I got good results. I went to another one a month ago and I've been seeing GREAT results. It's weird. Actually going to the doctors and finding out what's wrong and having it actually be fixed....It's different.
And, in other things too, I feel lucky. Lately.
We'll see how the rest of August goes, especially when school starts....

I can't help but think, every day, that everything happens for a reason.
So when one thing happens, I'm like maybe this happened because it was supposed to turn out this way.
But it's probably the whole....dreamer side of me taking over the reality side.
Maybe this thing just happened because it happened.
It's confusing, sometimes. Which side do I go with?
The side that says, no....maybe this just happened to trick you...
or do I trust the side that thinks, "this happened this way for a reason. It was meant to teach you something. It was meant to leave you with something."
....I'm still figuring it out.

12:59 am thoughts.

Love is built up as this magical thing.
It's what everyone strives for.
Sure, people say they're happy being single or that they'll find the one one day.
But it gets tiring for us people who don't always have a new person every week or us people who don't always have that one person to confide in.
I think this is why, when I start liking someone even a little, I start thinking about them a LOT.
Just knowing that liking someone is one step closer to the goal.
But it ends up not meaning anything because...these things go nowhere in my life.
I'm just sick of thinking and wondering and wishing and waiting and hoping and imagining and then having everything come up short.
I know that you're not supposed to "look" for a person to be in a relationship with, and that you'll find that one someday, but it gets so boring when you're alone on the ride the entire time...

At the races and I bet on the first race literally two minutes before it started and the way I bet is I pick the horse with the best name. so OBVIOUSLY, I choose Cat Feathers. She was pretty far behind but somehow ended up winning and I won 48.60. whaaaat? It's so weird, the way my life goes. Sometimes, I'll be so lucky and then other times I'll be so unlucky. Considering my most recent events, I didn't think I'd be lucky in another aspect of life but I guess life is surprising!

Going to bed early is not an option.

Why whenever I'm doing something, do I get tired?
Like, I had a lot to write about and I was/am so tired. Now that I'm done, I'm still tired. I decided to go to bed at 1:27 (early for me), but look where I am....
I just cannot express how happy I am with myself.
Even if nothing works out and even if...things don't go as I want, I'm glad that I took a chance. I'm the type of person that doesn't go for things and lets them come to her, and sometimes it never happens. I'm the type of girl that's shy to talk to someone unless spoken to. But...not this time. I don't know who this girl is but it's not the usual me. All these quotes and lyrics about seizing life and not sitting back and taking chances and not regretting....they're all getting to me. Sure, I'm not skydiving or going for my dream, but one little risk at a time, right?

(P.S...I know I keep writing about the same thing: taking risks. But it's what I feel lately. And most of my life, I haven't taken risks. But honestly, in the few times I have, things have worked out.)

This is crazy....

Ever help but wonder if the person you're thinking about is thinking about you too?
In my world, it's hilarious.
Like...I highly doubt that would happen to me.
But you never know.
It's so weird that you don't know what other people are thinking.
You could, I don't know, maybe feel like you're the only person who does a certain thing, or you could always worry about something so much...but then another person could be doing or thinking the exact same thing as you and you'll never know. You could always worry about the consequence or always worry about what people think and miss out on something great. Sometimes you have to just go for it.
If you don't take a risk, you could regret it.
If you do take that risk, and it doesn't turn out the way you want it to, you could regret it.
But you might not.
Either way...you could end up regretting it. So why not take the chance anyway?

"Started to not give a fuck and stopped fearing the consequence."

When things end....

it sucks.
So much anticipation can be built up just for one action, or one day...and then when it's over, it's like, "That's it?" And then you wait until something else exciting comes along and the process repeats.
I need a time machine. That would probably be the most vital thing I could own, if there was such a thing.
There are times that I want to fast forward a few days because the anticipation is too much to bear. And then when that one day I was looking forward to is over, I want that same time machine to rewind time so I can relive that special moment. It's weird, isn't it?
I have problems living when things are boring. When something exciting happens, I want nothing but exciting. Patience is a virtue but IIIIIII am veeeeeryyyy bad at being patient when it comes to looking forward to something.

Take a chance, make a change and breakaway...

Wow. Never thought my post last night about being fearless was actually going to work.... I finally took a leap. I was fearless. And it worked out :) More proof that I need to do things more often without worrying about the result of them. Also more proof that everything happens for a reason. I will always believe that.

Another 1:14 am thought...

Remember this feeling. The after concert feeling- like I can do anything just do it and try it stupid don't even think about it- feeling. When you were at that concert, you felt fearless. You were wishing he would just show up out of nowhere because, in that moment, you felt the courage to say hi. Too bad you can't try until tomorrow. And when you get the chance tomorrow, you won't. Because that feeling of courage will be gone.  But remember it. Try hard and remember it. Place yourself back at the concert. Remember the way you felt. The feeling like someone sucked out all of your insides and you're just standing in a room with a bunch of people watching these amazing guys do something amazing and bone chilling and it makes you feel like your life is crap and all you want to do is take risks and do things and don't hold back feeling. THAT feeling. There's only one thing that gives you that feeling. Music. Because when you leave the concert, feeling like you're bleeding in front of everyone, but no, it's just your emotions.....that feeling is something you'll never feel again until you're at a concert again with a bunch of strangers and standing in a darkened ugly room waiting for that intense moment for the cheers and screams and the first note. The night of a concert, when you finally rest your head on your pillow, and crack a wide smile....that feeling is due to music. concerts. musicians. artists. performers. You may try to fill the cracks with something else, but nothing works. It's concerts. Those days are the days that you felt fearless, risky, bold, brave, and gutsy. If you're waiting to feel like that again, if you try...it won't happen. It can't just happen. So try to place yourself back in that moment, when the music is filling you up again....and channel the way you felt and just do it. Don't worry. Don't be scared. Don't be nervous. Stop thinking, more doing.

what is this nonsense at 12:57 am....

1. Concerts make me fearless. I just realized. I feel like....tomorrow when I wake up, I won't feel the same. But for now, I still have a little bit of that feeling. I get that tingly feeling, and the chilling feeling while at a concert, and I feel like.....this just makes me want to do anything. Save lives. Do anything I want for myself. Talk to a guy I like. Whatever. Concerts just make me want to do SOMETHING fearlessly. Don't worry about repercussions. Don't worry about what could go wrong. Just DO. Try. Shoot. Fall? If needed. But go. do. Try. Jump. Fearless. Motivation. Power. Courage. (Concerts make me feel so wise, I can tell...)
2. My musicians rock. I'm sorry. But. It's true. I'm very blessed to have seen my favorite musicians, and not yet have I seen that any of them are divas in the making. I mean...it DOES help that all of my favorite musicians are guys, but still. I just have a good sense of....not only when someone plays good music but also is this person/band nice to their fans? Do they care? Yes. I get that feeling from them all, which is great. I would hate to be a fan of people/someone with such great music and then have them have a horrible personality or treat their fans like crap, or never want to meet them after the show, or tweet them, or anything like that. No divas wanted.
3. Am I still going to be able to hear. I stop music. My ears ring. Concert results. That bass was crazy. The sound was crazy. Too loud. The mic was horrible. You know it's bad when at some points, you can't hear the lead singer over the rest of the band. Not the band's fault, I'm assuming. But man...I just hope I'll be able to hear normally again soon because, just saying, if I ever do go deaf, just kill me. I know deaf people have ways of feeling vibrations and all, but I just could never do it. Ever. Speaking of, I could tell that it was hard for them to sometimes hear what they were singing/sounding like during the concert. Imagine singing and not being able to hear yourself and you have no idea what you sound like. So weird. Must suck when hundreds of people are listening. Also, on another note, I think it's weird when I stop my music and there's silence surrounding me, that my ears ring. It's almost like my head is saying, "No. Don't stop the music." I need to have music playing 99% of the time, during any activity. Does that make me weird? Yes. Because I listen to music when I wake up and lay in bed, while I take a shower, while I get ready, in the car, in my room, on the radio, and when I get ready for bed at night and brush my teeth/wash my face. I actually listen to my iPod with headphones in the bathroom. I'm such a freak. But I'm not kidding when I say 99% of the time, I have music playing. I hate silence. I need music. Even walking to class. NEED IT. I need it more than air. One more weird thought....I have such weird rules when it comes to music. And weird preferences. Like...sometimes I'll skip so many songs on my iPod because none sound appealing at that moment. But that's going off topic...
4. Can I just permanently insert an iPod into my head so that I can have music playing around the clock? Yes? Because it'd also be helpful while trying to go to sleep. No headphones poking at me. No wires. No pausing. Just...all the time. No silence. I hate silence. Makes you think. I like when music makes me think. Gives me a mood if I can't figure one out for myself.
5. 2 concerts this year? thankful... No...I can't believe I've only been to two concerts this year. But I sort of can...First off, I'm broke. I can't afford many, so I try to choose people that I really love. I look at it this way: if I don't go, will I regret it? Have I seen this band/person enough times previously that I wouldn't be missing anything? (Answers: yes. no) Secondly, I basically just try to see my favorites. I have probably somewhere between 5-10 favorite musicians where it will really stick in my head until I make a solid decision if I'm seeing them or not. Will I pay for them? Will I be willing to travel? Luckily, I've seen two of my FAVORITE bands this year and those concerts have left me with more than I expected. Thankfully, my favorite band is now my favorite band because of that concert. A concert in which I cried at 3 am 5 days before the concert, debating whether or not to go. No, I'm not crazy. I listened to them at 3 in the morning, thinking over and over if I should shell out the little amount of money I have to see them. I started crying at the thought of seeing Safetysuit. At the thought of their amazing music. Then I knew. Yes, they were worth it. And it was worth it. Met them. That day was one of the best days of my life. So thankful for everything that happened that day, and the way that everything happened. Tonight? Parachute? Met them last year. Not tonight. It's okay. This concert was better than the concert before I met them. Parachute is one of my favorites. Worth going. Worth going alone. Because when the music starts, I blend in with all of the fans who know their lyrics by heart, and it doesn't matter where we're from, why we're there, who we're with, how old we are....it's all about what's onstage. In that moment. Anyway, I'm just so glad that I live in an area lucky enough to have a lot of people who I care about willing to come and play a show. Whether big or small, they've come here. I'm so thankful for that, not having to travel many hours. Not even one hour. This year, anyway. So, I just really am glad, even if I went to only 2 concerts in 8 months of the year, that they come here, to my city, care about us, play their hearts out, and leave me with great memories that instill the best days of my life.

One more thing....after a concert with LIVE music and raw passion, listening to the same music in your room SUCKS.

But music, though...

I just had a hot pocket and doritos and cheez its and some pizza goldfish

i've eaten shit all day

pbj and then snacks 

WENT TO THE PARACHUTE CONCERT

saw katelyn tarver open...wasn't looking forward to her, which I figured I'd regret. and I did. she was really good. love her song "love alone"....I mean, it's just like so relatable and what every girl thinks. Met her after her set and she was so friendly:)

Then the Cab came on and I only knew "Bad" because I tried to listen to some of their songs before I saw them. I love that song. Unfortunately, that's it, for now at least. I didn't really care for them. It was sort of the venue's fault or whoever was doing sound because the sound SUCKED. So loud. Like...concerts are fun and loud and all that but this one wasn't. Ahhh. And I just wanted to see Parachute.

So then there was like SERIOUSLY 45 minutes between the Cab and Parachute because I think that there were sound difficulties. I was getting sooo impatient. I hadn't eaten much all day and was starting to get worn out. Parachute came on around 10. It was worth it. About 3 songs away from the end, I felt so so so dizzy but stayed where I was. If I passed out...oh well :) I was not moving. It was just great being so close. Like, I say that I hate the venue that I went to because sometimes the sound sucks or the security sucks but quite honestly to have a pretty good view from ANYWHERE in the entire venue and even get really close for only like 10 or 15 dollars every concert is great. I have to admit. So, I wasn't front row or anything but I had a pretty good view especially for sitting for most of the concert before Parachute. They were just so amazing. I can't explain it. I feel like ever since David Archuleta, I've just like....I've had such expectations at concerts and as I go to more, these favorite musicans of mine just make me fall in love with music even more. But the thing is, the venue matters. I saw Parachute last year open up for Goo Goo Dolls and they did 3-4 songs and I had inside seats and it just wasn't that great. Nothing against them. But seeing them there tonight, so close up, on such a small stage, with the music coming together like that, was really great. And it's an added bonus when the band/artist you're going for isn't opening which means fans know all of the lyrics and can sing along when asked to. It's so weird when you're totally enthusiastic about seeing someone and others are like...."Who?"

Anyway, this concert was spectacular. Standing on pianos. Crowd run throughs. Sax solos. Amazing drumming. I focused on every member of the band for some time during the concert, really noticing how each member added their own little thing to the band. I'm always a lead singer type of girl, usually crushing on their smooth looks or their voice that can make everything feel okay in the world, but when I see a band live, I really notice how all of the members tie together and put on a concert, not just the singer. This show was just soooo good.

After seeing David many times, and then SafetySuit in April and being blown away by them, I really knew I'd be more in love after tonight's concert. The thing about me is that I go to concerts usually of people I REALLLY love, partly because I'm broke, and because if someone doesn't have my attention before, usually I won't think they were that great. But Parachute is one of my favorite bands, so I knew I would be so happy I went after this. And I went by myself. Which is really not fun to do but you gotta do what you gotta do and in the end, I end up singing along and dancing as if I just blend together with the rest of the fans.

Nights like these, concerts like these, make me just love music. I mean, I'm a music major, but I'm having a slow start. I'm majoring in music, yes, but I really don't know anything, and won't until I start music theory this month. Concerts like these just make me want to learn everything there is to know. I don't personally want to play these instruments myself but I just want to learn about them anyway, about the notes, the sounds, also audio and how to put a song together, composing, concerts....anything. I just have no greater feeling than being at a concert. As Meredith Grey says, "That was such a high. I don't know why anyone does drugs."....she was referring to surgery, but I feel that listening to live lyrics, lyrics that have saved or changed my life, are better ways of feeling than actually fixing someone physically. I can't even begin to explain the way music makes me feel, and when I hear amazing songs at home, that's one thing. But then live....that's a whole different feeling. It's my high. It's those days that are the greatest of my life, the ones I'll remember. Seeing my favorite musicians do what they love to do, and what they're great at, and seeing them change my life from simply standing on a stage and belting out some tunes or lyrics.

Obsessed.

I am obsessed with the James Holmes case. As I'm watching a show about the brain and psychology and such. I just can't get enough of this stuff. I just realized, that sometimes, with all of the murders in the world, I only seem to be interested in ones where a shooting is involved. That makes me sound twisted or weird or something, but I can't help it. If you murder someone close to you, at least there's an obvious link. Like you know the person. But if you are a random person who shoots massive amounts of random people....it makes me wonder so much more than any other type of murder case. James Holmes had another court hearing today and his maximum sentence is execution and his minimum sentence is life in prison without parole. Those seem like the same to me. Quite honestly, I'd rather get execution than spend the rest of my life rotting away in jail. That's the thing....that's what makes me wonder so much what made him do this. One of my friends said she thinks he did it for the fame and I just disagree completely. You'd think if that were true, he'd be eating up the limelight. But he's not saying a word in these trials. I just feel like he didn't do that for the fame. I'm not sure as to what I think about if he has a mental disorder or not, but I don't feel like the motive was just to go down in history as killing so many people. I mean, if that were true, he'd HAVE to be insane. How could you KNOW that you would get caught yet still do something like that and KNOW that you had a life in prison ahead of you? Although, on the other hand, if he actually is insane, he apparently can just be let out into the world about 6-10 years down the road...which is so scary to think about. So it's like...maybe he's insane and knew that he could get off with that and be okay? I have no idea. This case just keeps spiraling in my head and I keep thinking of all these new things. It's the psychology. I love psychology. I love knowing why people do things, think things, say things. I really have no clue about why he did this, but those are my thoughts. I just could never imagine doing anything that would end up giving you a life in prison. Waiting, rotting, wilting away in prison until you die. It's just....no life. So to do that to your own life, you have to take innocent peoples' lives? I just don't get it. I don't think I ever will, but this case has definitely given me something to think about and is giving me something to try to wrap my brain around. Too bad I'm failing at it.

a miracle.

It's been 2 and a half weeks since I started my newest medicine for my IBS. It has worked from day one until now. Sure, I have had/still have some side effects bothering me as well as some nausea/queasiness but I have not had ANY stomach pain at all in the past two and a half weeks. Hardly. Compared to the past SIX YEARS of torture, I just can't believe it. After trials and trials of medication and tests and appointments, finally there's a medicine that improves my life 98%, allowing it to be lived much easier. I am just so happy and I can't thank my doctor enough. I actually want to write him a letter thanking him since I'm not seeing him until November (but I probably won't). If this medication keeps working like this, it's safe to say this man has changed my life. I've had miserable times being scared to eat or scared to wake up and see if I will endure a stomachache and if my plans will be ruined that day. Not anymore. I really hope this lasts and I'm sure it will, but it just seems too good to be true. I actually may start looking for jobs again soon. It's so weird knowing that having a job is now a possibility. I actually tear up now thinking about how I used to be so bad and within a half of a month, everything feels great again.

Tell me all the things that i'll be missing here in this old life....

I need to take risks. I am not a risktaker whatsoever. The riskiest thing I do is maybe try a new food or something. Like, seriously. I never take chances when it comes to guys. And feelings. And telling them my feelings. or telling friends when i'm upset. I avoid confrontations. I don't take risks when it comes to school. Or life in general.
I am not a risk taker.
Now, I'm despppperately trying to find a way to see my favorite band this fall, which is so difficult. The main thing interfering is school. They're coming to NYC, the closest location, on a school day. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have 5 classes. I looked anyway on how I could get there and I almmoooost had it when I realized that the latest bus departing NYC to home leaves at 9 pm, when the show starts at 7. I actually thought I could have made it before then. Tickets to the concert are about $20. Tickets for the bus are about $10 either roundtrip or each way. I can manage that. I wouldn't need a hotel. But..then I saw that that's the latest a bus leaves, which would mean missing half the show. Pointless. So now I'm looking into Ohio and taking a train there. It happens to be 10 hours away BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT on a day/few days where I have school off because of a holiday. Only thing...10 HOURS. And no transportation. And then there's the matter of hotels. I think I'm just going to have to sit this tour out but it's killing me. Way to have me see a band that I've been a fan of (but not a huge fan) for years, meet them after the show, think they're the most amazing guys, then have them come nowhere near here on their next tour AFTER I fall in love with them and become obsessed with the members themselves as well as the music. Thanks, life.
Like I said, I must "find a way" (as one of their songs is called)....I need to take a risk. Or get rich.

It's been awhile.

Whoops, I've been a little busy lately. That's the way my summer goes. I'll be so bored with nothing to do for days, then I'll be busy for days, then back to bored with nothing to do. I can't believe that school starts a month from today. August 27th. I can't decide if I want to go or not. I'm dreading it but I'm sure when it starts, it'll be okay. I'm taking 3 music classes and 2 other classes, so mostly music classes will be great. I'm just scared for like...all of the homework again because EVERY semester, homework takes over my life. Also, I'll probably start applying for jobs soon and that will interfere with school as well. We'll see. I hope this semester goes sort of smoothly, though. Last semester wasn't the best. Full days are killer. Which is what I have every Tuesday/Thursday this semester. BUT. The only thing that keeps me uplifted/happy is the fact that it will be fall and Halloween will come and Christmas and holidays and they just make me so happy that it doesn't matter what else is going on! So, we'll see how this semester goes but I'm going to enjoy my last month of summer :)

If dreams could be reality...

"You only live once." "No regrets." "Live life to the fullest."
It's easy to recite these sayings over and over but when it comes time to actually DO what they say, it's not so easy. I fall into this trap. Out of context or a certain situation, I say, "next time I'm in this situation, maybe I will take a chance. I need to take a risk. What can it hurt?" Then when the time comes to actually do what I want, I freeze. I am such a chicken. Being awkward and shy at first, while meeting someone, doesn't help at all, either. But I really need to get over it. When I think about the things I want to happen and HOW they're actually happening in my life, dreams vs. reality, reality sucks and my dreams win. But reality stays reality and my dreams stay my dreams. It's easy to imagine something you wish to happen and then when it comes time to actually make it happen....back to dreaming. In my life, things only happen in my mind because I'm too lame to make them happen and I end up regretting it. But still, when the time comes again, after telling myself to take a leap of faith, do I change anything? Nope. It's just back and forth with me. Reality always wins.

For once, I followed my heart.

I just watched a video of my favorite singer talk about why he's on a mission and why he chose certain songs for his newest album. The title of this post as well as the title of this entire blog goes along with David's decisions in life, mainly his latest decision to go on his mission. Whenever he was confused, he'd pray and he'd get his answer. He had a certain feeling telling him what to do. I'm not religious, but I just think that the lyric "For once I followed my heart" can be applied to anything in life. David had a feeling that he needed to go on this mission, and he followed that feeling, and followed his heart. I miss him so much but I still respect him for doing what he's doing.

how great is singing?

...in the car? alone?
I don't sing one word of a song if someone is near me, but if I'm home alone or driving alone, watch out.
I just went to the gym and "For the First Time" by the Script came on and ohhhh man. Now I'm at home listening to "Give Your Heart a Break" and this song is my JAAAMMM but I'm not home alone so no singing for me. I looooove singing, so much. I really want to take lessons at school but you have to pay I think and/or be a vocal performance major, and I'm just a general music major.
Guess singing is something I'll have to keep to myself aside from my school choir.

why must I be a hypochondriac?

Okay, so that term might not apply now, but usually I am.
I'm on new medication for my IBS and it's helping my stomach SO much.
It's great. I feel like I can eat anything (almost) and not feel sick, but the side effects are unwanted.
Now, me being a complete google maniac and googling everything there is to know about this new medicine, I've read the following:

1. side effects can take a few weeks to wear off.
2. don't stop taking this medicine abruptly or without consulting your doctor first

well, I've had about 5-6 side effects now, and never on any of my other medications have I experienced side effects to this extent. I'm thinking that it's because this is an antidepressant, even in a low dose. So, I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow to see if I should stay on and wait for the side effects to wear off, or just stop taking it and maybe try something else, or just don't go on another med and have my stomach suck again.

It sucks I can't stop taking it until I call my doctor. I'm not even sure how I could slowly come off of this medicine, since I think that I'm taking the lowest dose there is. 

Man, antidepressants are scary stuff.

sunny saturday

Today, I went to this food festival thing in Troy, called "Pig Out". It had tons of different food, mostly involving barbecue. It was so insanely hot. I can't take the heat even for 5 seconds anymore. I'm so glad I didn't go back to my summer job this year because I think I would have passed out. I don't know how I never did all of the other summers.
Anyway, I saw a cute guy working at one of the lemonade vendors and I went over to get one from there and my mom's friend came with me. She's' like, "$5.00? For this? I'll pretend it's for a good cause." and the cute guy was like, "Yeah, the good cause is me." I was like.... ohhhmygod. Then he handed me my HUGE lemonade & I left. That was the end of that. But when he handed me this gigantic cup of strawberry lemonade, I thought he was joking. I totally thought he was just making the lemonade in that container and then just going to pour it into a cup. But nope. Then it was soooo long, cute guy.

Then, we just hung around, and as I was standing in front of another vendor, I saw this girl walked by and I yelled her name and it was one of my old friends from high school, who I haven't seen SINCE we graduated high school three years ago. It was funny, she was such a close friend through the four years we took chorus together. She's doing well though, so that's good to know. We ended up talking about the people we graduated with. I told her that I hardly keep in touch with anyone from high school, and how it's weird that some seem like they're still doing the same thing they were then, or acting the same way. It's weird to think that you see these people for four years, everyday, and then after graduation, it's like POOF. But maybe it's better that way (as for certain people, at least).

I have no self-control.

I got new meds for my IBS and the side effects are weight gain. I mean, that's obvious, since the medicine is supposed to help my stomach, so obviously I'd want to eat more.
And that's JUST what has happened since I took mine late Wednesday night. I've been craving so much food, and indulging. Trying to forget that I have IBS. But I do. And I learned that last night, when I ate ....wayyyyy too much chocolate along with other crap and thought I was going to be sick. I really need to remember that I DON'T want to gain weight and I DON'T want to overeat or be in pain. I just want to be able to eat simple meals without wondering if they'll bother me. I really need to keep in mind that I can't just eat anything I want.
On the bright side, I don't want to jinx anything, but I feel like the medicine is already helping. I really hope that it's not just in the beginning or that it's like....not real. I really need this medicine to help so that I can tell my doctor that it works and we can get a better idea of what helps me. I really feel hopeful with this one though, for many reasons. Maybe I'll finally be able to get my life on track. I just really need to start eating more sensible.

cliché.

I may be lame in thinking this, but I really do think that everything happens for a reason. I feel like....everything is sort of planned out a certain way and you don't know it, but if you feel like something goes wrong, that's just the way it's supposed to happen. Sort of weird if you think about it. I mean, right now, I could be thinking I'm going to do something and then completely change my mind to try to throw the universe off, but in the end that could be what was supposed to happen anyway!
I don't know. I just kind of think about these things a lot. Maybe small things aren't always a big deal, but big things? Yeah, I feel like whatever happens is supposed to happen.
I've had nagging feelings when I wonder if I should do something, and then when I do it, and it turns out great, I feel like...I'm so glad that I did that and I would have regretted it if I didn't.
I've had one event in my life that falls under this and that day sort of had a huge impact on me and was one of the best days of my life. Every little thing that happened that day, I feel like was supposed to happen. There's my little rant that I was thinking of while laying in bed last night.

well....hey there!

Many things running through my mind for my first post:

Do I write my first post about a topic very near to my heart? (Music).

Do I try to be witty and funny? (It won't come off as witty and funny in this post, I'm sure).

Do I say how I don't think anyone will even read this blog, and how it's not my first blog I've ever had? (No...that would be irrelevant and pointless).

Do I tell you what song I'm currently listening to? (By the time I type the name out, I'll be on a new song).

So, after all of that, I'm still sitting here wondering which subject is important enough to become my first post.

Eh, might as well type out whatever crap is in my head. Many things. At this current moment, there are a lot of thoughts running through my head.

I've been way into oldie songs lately. Songs that I hear on the stations my parents listen to, songs that my parents grew up with, as opposed to....the amazing music WE get the joy to grow up with!

I'm listening to "Roll to Me" by Del Amitri right now, and 5 minutes ago was "I Only Wanna Be With You" by Hootie and the Blowfish. Old songs make me so happy. It's amazing how much music has changed and how different it sounds. It makes you wonder what it will be like even more into the future. (Starting "Listen to the Music" by Doobie Brothers now). At least music is something that can never go away. Like... you don't have to worry about keeping it safe incase there's a fire or something. It's ALWAYS there. The internet now has given us many opportunities to allow access to anything these days. So it's great to know that no matter how old you get, and no matter how much music changes, you know that you'll always be able to listen to a song that you really want to listen to. I was just thinking the other day....music is the one thing that helps me out through anything I'm going through. If I'm happy and feel like being sad or feel like thinking or contemplating...put a sad song on. If you're in a horrible mood, put on an inspirational song. Music is something you can't SEE, yet it has the power to do anything. Sure, you can see instruments and equipment but as for actual songs, without sheet music, music is something where you can just sit and it surrounds you without actually being seen. It's amazing. Some people have people who are always there for them to help them out through things, and some have other ways of coping. For me, it's music. Being a music major, I am pretty ashamed to call myself one. I can't play an instrument. I can't read music. I don't know fancy music lingo. But if I were to completely drop being a music major...it wouldn't feel right. I know that music is my one passion and the one thing that I need to breathe, even if I can't really justify myself as a music major yet. I'm getting there. It's been a rough path to actually take important music classes that will teach me something a music major should know, and I'm finally taking those classes this fall. Should be an exciting semester! I can't wait to learn even more about a language that connects so many people, a language that connects people more than anything else can, in my opinion.

Did that paragraph even make sense? In any way? I'm drifting off right now. It's only 12:03 am. I can usually go way longer than this, but I'll attribute my newest medication to that, as well as my workouts at the gym.

Onto that topic, if anyone has read this far. I've been a member at my gym for a year and two months now, and I'm sorry to say that when I was in school, I basically just flung my money at the gym without even actually USING the gym. I would go maybe....twice a month? I would be dishing out $30 a month for that, and that's hard when you are unemployed. But THANKFULLY, I got the good sense to actually utilize the gym and NOT throw my money away, as soon as school ended. I've now been going 5-6 days a week, depending on how I feel. I'm very proud to say that I've been going Monday-Friday, usually. And at first, I wouldn't do much. I'm happy to say that tonight, after I got done doing my 20 minute bike ride on the bikes, my shirt actually had visible sweat. That has never happened before! I've done exercises on the treadmill, jogged some laps on the track, used the elliptical...but I feel like the bike is my calling. Last week, I started getting serious. A few weeks ago, I would go on the bike and chat with friends and just go on level 1 and not even hurt an ounce. It was pathetic. And then I would leave all proud of myself like, "Well, I made it to the gym!" ....So stupid. So last week, I cut the crap and actually decided to push myself. I am now doing 4-5 miles each day. I can do 4 miles in about 19-20 minutes. I'm not quite sure if that's still sad, or really good, but all I know is that I am in pain when I am on that bike because I push myself, and I can even see my heart rate go SO high that it feels like my heart is about to fall out of my chest. I need to soon increase what I'm doing, but I feel really happy with where I am right now. I can tell that my legs are getting stronger and I can now do higher levels and I never really have to go down to level one to relax on the bike a little. I really want to get into shape, and not just for the summer or anything. I just want to have muscle and be strong. It's going to take awhile, and I really have no clue what I'm doing at the gym, but any type exercise is always a step forward! 

Whoops....wrote a little bit more than I thought I would but I tend to rant in person so why would this blog be any different?