It's late Thursday night, and school started Monday, so after my class tomorrow, the first week will already be over. I can't believe the first week went by so quickly. I feel like this semester is going to fly by. I'm really content with this semester so far, after the disastrous first day I had. But I can tell that I'm really going to enjoy my three music classes, even though I'm really lost. I promised myself that I'd get A+ in my music classes. I would like to try for all 5, though. So I'm looking forward to what this semester will bring. And I already met some nice people in my classes!
On another note, I've really changed, in my opinion. I'm not a huge risk taker but even with small things, I've been getting better this year. I feel like if you're going to regret not taking the chance and could possibly regret taking the chance, you might as well just go for that chance. I've done things that I told myself I could do and faced things that I've struggled head on. I'm really proud of myself. Even with this upcoming semester, I can tell how things are going to play out. A lot of things happened during this past week where I've had to tell myself to calm down and I've had to reassure myself that I can do things. I can do what I want. I won't let anything stop me. I'm determined. I'm really glad that I've finally taken some chances, even if they are small. Hopefully they'll pay off even more.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
I actually think getting into a relationship is impossible. Like...it has to be.
You start to think so when EVERYONE and their mother are in a relationship. When everyone around you is in one. Especially when someone has been in like....3 different ones in like 3 years! I can't even get into one. It's impossible. It's impossible to talk to guys. Impossible to ever recognize if they like you or want you to get the hell away from them, and impossible to keep liking. Which is why I've had to get over every single guy. It's just....others make it look so easy.
Phases:
1. You like someone.
2. They like you.
3. You start a relationship.
I'm always at phase like....1.5. Never 3. Ever. Or like......2.3. And then it ends. Never makes it to 3. Lately it hasn't even been making it past phase 1. I know you're not supposed to rush these things but it just gets annoying and endless and then you see the people around you....
You start to think so when EVERYONE and their mother are in a relationship. When everyone around you is in one. Especially when someone has been in like....3 different ones in like 3 years! I can't even get into one. It's impossible. It's impossible to talk to guys. Impossible to ever recognize if they like you or want you to get the hell away from them, and impossible to keep liking. Which is why I've had to get over every single guy. It's just....others make it look so easy.
Phases:
1. You like someone.
2. They like you.
3. You start a relationship.
I'm always at phase like....1.5. Never 3. Ever. Or like......2.3. And then it ends. Never makes it to 3. Lately it hasn't even been making it past phase 1. I know you're not supposed to rush these things but it just gets annoying and endless and then you see the people around you....
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I wish I could go back....
to before I had anxiety. Like, two or three years ago. It sucks when it comes along one day and since it's something mental, it can't ever really go away. Even if it does go away for a little while, it can always come back or it will always be in the back of your mind. Once it starts, it's here to stay. I wish I could go back to before, before I ever worried about things too much. Because anxiety SUCKS.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Happy Birthday, Aunt Jackie.
Today would have been my Aunt Jackie's 50th birthday. She died of cancer, though, on November 20th, 2002. As I was driving today, I passed the cemetery that she was buried in, and I thought, "Screw you, cancer." I don't think about her a lot, which makes me feel guilty, but when it's her birthday and the anniversary of the day that she died, I do think about her and I miss her. I always did things with her when I was a kid and I know I still would have today if she were still alive. She would have been so much fun. Being 8 or so, she was a lot of fun, and I can just imagine how much fun she'd be right now, when I'm 20. No one in my family is crazy like me but she was. So now I'm the one expected to make things fun and such. I miss her some days, and I wish she were still here. Screw you, cancer. Happy Birthday, Aunt Jackie<3
Everybody hurts...
Ever had a person you liked where, in the end, you didn't end up hurt? Probably not.
Unless they were your first love and they loved you back and you're still together now, chances are you've been hurt by somebody else that you had feelings for.
It's weird. Everyone gets hurt. There's really no situation in which you or the other person won't get hurt.
I feel like many people are reluctant or scared to get in a relationship with someone else either because that person would end up hurt, or the other person would end up hurt. Either way, somebody loses. So why not go for it anyway?
Like, for example: you're a girl with a crush on a guy and that guy has been hurt in the past by another girl, therefore is nervous or hesitant about starting a relationship with you, but he LIKES you. It's like...okay, well if you're going to tell me that we can't date because you're scared of getting hurt, then you, the girl, end up getting hurt. And if the guy doesn't want to get into a relationship with that girl because he's scared he's not ready and he might end up wanting to break up with her, so he tries to spare her feelings by not getting together with her, SHE still ends up being hurt. So basically, you might as well try the relationship out and if you end up hurting her, fine. Either way, she ends up hurt. It's almost a choice of who ends up hurt: you, or are you selfish and just feel that hurting the other person would be best?
And if you like someone, but think...oh, this could end up hurting me in the end, so you try not to like them anymore then you do...that hurts too. Love sucks. Any way you do it, someone gets hurt. No matter who you are.
Love causes pain but everybody gets through it at one point or another. It's just a question of is the pain worth the happiness you'll get before it?
Unless they were your first love and they loved you back and you're still together now, chances are you've been hurt by somebody else that you had feelings for.
It's weird. Everyone gets hurt. There's really no situation in which you or the other person won't get hurt.
I feel like many people are reluctant or scared to get in a relationship with someone else either because that person would end up hurt, or the other person would end up hurt. Either way, somebody loses. So why not go for it anyway?
Like, for example: you're a girl with a crush on a guy and that guy has been hurt in the past by another girl, therefore is nervous or hesitant about starting a relationship with you, but he LIKES you. It's like...okay, well if you're going to tell me that we can't date because you're scared of getting hurt, then you, the girl, end up getting hurt. And if the guy doesn't want to get into a relationship with that girl because he's scared he's not ready and he might end up wanting to break up with her, so he tries to spare her feelings by not getting together with her, SHE still ends up being hurt. So basically, you might as well try the relationship out and if you end up hurting her, fine. Either way, she ends up hurt. It's almost a choice of who ends up hurt: you, or are you selfish and just feel that hurting the other person would be best?
And if you like someone, but think...oh, this could end up hurting me in the end, so you try not to like them anymore then you do...that hurts too. Love sucks. Any way you do it, someone gets hurt. No matter who you are.
Love causes pain but everybody gets through it at one point or another. It's just a question of is the pain worth the happiness you'll get before it?
AHAHAHAH
Life is just funny, ya know?
All during high school, in gym class, I couldn't and didn't WANT to do much. I'd get out of breath easily. I'd be too...bored to do anything in gym. Like...it's gym. The only thing exercise I did was played softball outside of school during the spring.
So I'm laughing inside right now because I joined my gym in May 2011, and joining was a joke. I wouldn't go. Like ever. I'd pay $30 for nothing. I'd go maybe once a week during the school year. So when school ended for the summer, I was like, "okay, I'm going to use this membership." I've now been going 5 days a week. School starts again in 9 days though, so we'll see if I keep it up but I REALLY want to. Anyway, I try to jog on the track or treadmill at the gym. JOKE.
Back in May or so, I'd jog on the treadmill. I'd feel so proud if I could get a good 1 minute in without stopping. After that, I switched to the track. I finally got over the fear that I looked like this while running on the track:
All during high school, in gym class, I couldn't and didn't WANT to do much. I'd get out of breath easily. I'd be too...bored to do anything in gym. Like...it's gym. The only thing exercise I did was played softball outside of school during the spring.
So I'm laughing inside right now because I joined my gym in May 2011, and joining was a joke. I wouldn't go. Like ever. I'd pay $30 for nothing. I'd go maybe once a week during the school year. So when school ended for the summer, I was like, "okay, I'm going to use this membership." I've now been going 5 days a week. School starts again in 9 days though, so we'll see if I keep it up but I REALLY want to. Anyway, I try to jog on the track or treadmill at the gym. JOKE.
Back in May or so, I'd jog on the treadmill. I'd feel so proud if I could get a good 1 minute in without stopping. After that, I switched to the track. I finally got over the fear that I looked like this while running on the track:
So, I just forgot about that and started running on the track. I can't freaking do it. People run for like, ten minutes! I can't even do one! I either get dizzy, have side pain, cramps, stomach pain, or my legs hurt. So today, I asked my friend and she's like, "oh, you have shin splints." So now, I'm googling them and looking them up and you're supposed to rest. Are you kidding me. I'm trying so hard to be able to increase my endurance and now I have this problem preventing me from running at all. These websites say to try alternatives, such as cycling. Good one. I do that already on my bike everyday and on the bike at the gym. But I absolutely LOVE running, even though I can't do it for long at all. I just love the freedom of it. I have bad anxiety, so I like to run it out and just forget about everything. I love sprinting. I love feeling like my legs are going to fall off. And now I can't even do that anymore?!?! Now I'm going from running 20 seconds to no seconds?!? This sucks. I actually wanted to try to get fit and get into shape and be able to run long distances but how can I if my body sucks? My mind is in it, but my body isn't. And I can't even buy actual running shoes since I'm broke. This blows. Guess I'm stuck biking at the gym and walking the track, which gets so boring.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Move Over, Taylor Swift.
I'm comin' for ya.
Your lyrics are getting old fast.
I really wish I knew how to write music. I write lyrics, which at this point, are basically poems since I can't write music. I cannot WAIT for music theory this semester. And my keyboard class. I just want to know what I'm doing when I write music for the lyrics I write. They need a melody. They can't be just words. I need to do more. I have JOURNALS of lyrics from the past like, 8 years, and I need to do something with them.
Of course, I don't out any guy that I liked in my songs. By name, anyway.
Your lyrics are getting old fast.
I really wish I knew how to write music. I write lyrics, which at this point, are basically poems since I can't write music. I cannot WAIT for music theory this semester. And my keyboard class. I just want to know what I'm doing when I write music for the lyrics I write. They need a melody. They can't be just words. I need to do more. I have JOURNALS of lyrics from the past like, 8 years, and I need to do something with them.
Of course, I don't out any guy that I liked in my songs. By name, anyway.
I can tell you two things that feel horrible.
1. Anxiety. Something you CANNOT control. Well, you can try. But it's hard. Over the summer, my anxiety has decreased because I don't have much to do. I don't know whether it was the upcoming stress or just today, but today my anxiety was BAD. It was like it was before summer. Which was very horrible. It's really hard to sit comfortably and just be at peace. Something is always nagging you. It's the crappiest feeling.
2. Being excited for something and having it not turn out the way you wanted it to. Disappointment is not fun. Being let down is not fun. Being confused when someone acts a certain way is not fun. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do to prevent disappointment is to try not to get your hopes up....which is really hard.
So....my night tonight? -- > Anxiety attacks + disappointment = mental breakdown.
Had a crying fit tonight, and wasn't even sure exactly what I was crying about, then a half hour later....All better. It's the weirdest thing. Sometimes you just need to cry, vent, write...whatever. It really helps. Some days, it just feels like everything can come buckling down at once, and it can become overwhelming but you need to move on.
2. Being excited for something and having it not turn out the way you wanted it to. Disappointment is not fun. Being let down is not fun. Being confused when someone acts a certain way is not fun. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do to prevent disappointment is to try not to get your hopes up....which is really hard.
So....my night tonight? -- > Anxiety attacks + disappointment = mental breakdown.
Had a crying fit tonight, and wasn't even sure exactly what I was crying about, then a half hour later....All better. It's the weirdest thing. Sometimes you just need to cry, vent, write...whatever. It really helps. Some days, it just feels like everything can come buckling down at once, and it can become overwhelming but you need to move on.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
aaand the memories come pouring back.
It's always lovely when you're over something and you're living your life all fine and innocent and BAM there's a second where memories just come pouring back into your mind out of nowhere and you're stuck reliving them. I try to shake my head as if they could actually fall out but fail. It's like....no, memories, I don't want you. I just get transported to another world when these memories come. It's like....I freeze, I relive the things that happened in my head, as if I'm in the story all over again. It's not fun. You remember a time when you actually felt happy, and your mind is just like, "Here....remember this?" and maybe it's a way of your mind telling you that at one point, you were happy. But, for now...it's just a stinging remembrance that I would prefer to never enter my head again.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Hopeless Romantic?
I'd say that's what I am. I stumbled across something on tumblr and saw this:
"
1: A person who daydreams about romantic occasions and dreams of chances where he/she will be able to perform a romantic act to their love, yet never gets the chance to.
2: This person is in love with love. They believe in fairy tales and love. They’re not to be confused as stalkers or creepy because that’s not what a hopeless romantic is. All hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers, the imaginative, and the fanciful when you get to know them. They often live with rose colored glasses on. They make love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone.
3. A hopeless romantic is not the same as a hopeless flirter. A hopeless romantic dreams of who they will spend the rest of their life with and what the two of them will do together. They want to be romanced with sweet simple things and the thoughtful amazing surprises. They dream of being loved but also loving somebody. They don’t just want somebody to hold them, they also want to hold someone. They realize that love isn’t just about one person but both people, they are hopelessly in love with being loved AND loving back.
4. Someone that thinks of love passionately.
5. A hopeless romantic is one who looks for the a singular person on this world that makes their world come together. They are indeed looking for the man or woman of their dreams. As a result, they prefer not to live in reality. The hopeless romantic knows the reality of love is that reality has no business being in love. This is why they will often perform grandiose gestures that may be seen as unsettling or borderline crazy to non-romantics. But to the fellow few romantics, these same gestures will be adored as beautifully and obscenely quixotic. And such is the “hope” of the hopeless romantic- to not only find the one who loves receiving such love, but loves giving such love. And the true hopeless romantic would always rather give than receive. Because they know then and only then, will there be true love.
"
Definition of a Hopeless Romantic
Hopeless Romantic:
1: A person who daydreams about romantic occasions and dreams of chances where he/she will be able to perform a romantic act to their love, yet never gets the chance to.
2: This person is in love with love. They believe in fairy tales and love. They’re not to be confused as stalkers or creepy because that’s not what a hopeless romantic is. All hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers, the imaginative, and the fanciful when you get to know them. They often live with rose colored glasses on. They make love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone.
3. A hopeless romantic is not the same as a hopeless flirter. A hopeless romantic dreams of who they will spend the rest of their life with and what the two of them will do together. They want to be romanced with sweet simple things and the thoughtful amazing surprises. They dream of being loved but also loving somebody. They don’t just want somebody to hold them, they also want to hold someone. They realize that love isn’t just about one person but both people, they are hopelessly in love with being loved AND loving back.
4. Someone that thinks of love passionately.
5. A hopeless romantic is one who looks for the a singular person on this world that makes their world come together. They are indeed looking for the man or woman of their dreams. As a result, they prefer not to live in reality. The hopeless romantic knows the reality of love is that reality has no business being in love. This is why they will often perform grandiose gestures that may be seen as unsettling or borderline crazy to non-romantics. But to the fellow few romantics, these same gestures will be adored as beautifully and obscenely quixotic. And such is the “hope” of the hopeless romantic- to not only find the one who loves receiving such love, but loves giving such love. And the true hopeless romantic would always rather give than receive. Because they know then and only then, will there be true love.
"
I'd say that's me in a nutshell.
GAHHHHHH
SO FRUSTRATING.
I can never seem to write a full song anymore.
Ever since middle school, I've been writing lyrics about things going on in my life. I don't know how to write music, so I just write lyrics. But I wouldn't say that they're poems.
So, I have so many journals filled with lyrics I've written.
It just sucks because I'd say, ever since high school ended, I can never seem to write a full song. It's like a line here or there, or a few paragraphs, but I can never seem to finish one and it's so frustrating. I don't know what happened.
I can never seem to write a full song anymore.
Ever since middle school, I've been writing lyrics about things going on in my life. I don't know how to write music, so I just write lyrics. But I wouldn't say that they're poems.
So, I have so many journals filled with lyrics I've written.
It just sucks because I'd say, ever since high school ended, I can never seem to write a full song. It's like a line here or there, or a few paragraphs, but I can never seem to finish one and it's so frustrating. I don't know what happened.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Things seem to be going my way...
In certain aspects. I'm scared. Whenever good things happen, I feel like something bad is following. I can't be the only one who feels that way, though...
Like...I went to another one of my doctors today and I got good results. I went to another one a month ago and I've been seeing GREAT results. It's weird. Actually going to the doctors and finding out what's wrong and having it actually be fixed....It's different.
And, in other things too, I feel lucky. Lately.
We'll see how the rest of August goes, especially when school starts....
Like...I went to another one of my doctors today and I got good results. I went to another one a month ago and I've been seeing GREAT results. It's weird. Actually going to the doctors and finding out what's wrong and having it actually be fixed....It's different.
And, in other things too, I feel lucky. Lately.
We'll see how the rest of August goes, especially when school starts....
I can't help but think, every day, that everything happens for a reason.
So when one thing happens, I'm like maybe this happened because it was supposed to turn out this way.
But it's probably the whole....dreamer side of me taking over the reality side.
Maybe this thing just happened because it happened.
It's confusing, sometimes. Which side do I go with?
The side that says, no....maybe this just happened to trick you...
or do I trust the side that thinks, "this happened this way for a reason. It was meant to teach you something. It was meant to leave you with something."
....I'm still figuring it out.
So when one thing happens, I'm like maybe this happened because it was supposed to turn out this way.
But it's probably the whole....dreamer side of me taking over the reality side.
Maybe this thing just happened because it happened.
It's confusing, sometimes. Which side do I go with?
The side that says, no....maybe this just happened to trick you...
or do I trust the side that thinks, "this happened this way for a reason. It was meant to teach you something. It was meant to leave you with something."
....I'm still figuring it out.
12:59 am thoughts.
Love is built up as this magical thing.
It's what everyone strives for.
Sure, people say they're happy being single or that they'll find the one one day.
But it gets tiring for us people who don't always have a new person every week or us people who don't always have that one person to confide in.
I think this is why, when I start liking someone even a little, I start thinking about them a LOT.
Just knowing that liking someone is one step closer to the goal.
But it ends up not meaning anything because...these things go nowhere in my life.
I'm just sick of thinking and wondering and wishing and waiting and hoping and imagining and then having everything come up short.
I know that you're not supposed to "look" for a person to be in a relationship with, and that you'll find that one someday, but it gets so boring when you're alone on the ride the entire time...
It's what everyone strives for.
Sure, people say they're happy being single or that they'll find the one one day.
But it gets tiring for us people who don't always have a new person every week or us people who don't always have that one person to confide in.
I think this is why, when I start liking someone even a little, I start thinking about them a LOT.
Just knowing that liking someone is one step closer to the goal.
But it ends up not meaning anything because...these things go nowhere in my life.
I'm just sick of thinking and wondering and wishing and waiting and hoping and imagining and then having everything come up short.
I know that you're not supposed to "look" for a person to be in a relationship with, and that you'll find that one someday, but it gets so boring when you're alone on the ride the entire time...
Thursday, August 9, 2012
At the races and I bet on the first race literally two minutes before it started and the way I bet is I pick the horse with the best name. so OBVIOUSLY, I choose Cat Feathers. She was pretty far behind but somehow ended up winning and I won 48.60. whaaaat? It's so weird, the way my life goes. Sometimes, I'll be so lucky and then other times I'll be so unlucky. Considering my most recent events, I didn't think I'd be lucky in another aspect of life but I guess life is surprising!
Going to bed early is not an option.
Why whenever I'm doing something, do I get tired?
Like, I had a lot to write about and I was/am so tired. Now that I'm done, I'm still tired. I decided to go to bed at 1:27 (early for me), but look where I am....
I just cannot express how happy I am with myself.
Even if nothing works out and even if...things don't go as I want, I'm glad that I took a chance. I'm the type of person that doesn't go for things and lets them come to her, and sometimes it never happens. I'm the type of girl that's shy to talk to someone unless spoken to. But...not this time. I don't know who this girl is but it's not the usual me. All these quotes and lyrics about seizing life and not sitting back and taking chances and not regretting....they're all getting to me. Sure, I'm not skydiving or going for my dream, but one little risk at a time, right?
(P.S...I know I keep writing about the same thing: taking risks. But it's what I feel lately. And most of my life, I haven't taken risks. But honestly, in the few times I have, things have worked out.)
Like, I had a lot to write about and I was/am so tired. Now that I'm done, I'm still tired. I decided to go to bed at 1:27 (early for me), but look where I am....
I just cannot express how happy I am with myself.
Even if nothing works out and even if...things don't go as I want, I'm glad that I took a chance. I'm the type of person that doesn't go for things and lets them come to her, and sometimes it never happens. I'm the type of girl that's shy to talk to someone unless spoken to. But...not this time. I don't know who this girl is but it's not the usual me. All these quotes and lyrics about seizing life and not sitting back and taking chances and not regretting....they're all getting to me. Sure, I'm not skydiving or going for my dream, but one little risk at a time, right?
(P.S...I know I keep writing about the same thing: taking risks. But it's what I feel lately. And most of my life, I haven't taken risks. But honestly, in the few times I have, things have worked out.)
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
This is crazy....
Ever help but wonder if the person you're thinking about is thinking about you too?
In my world, it's hilarious.
Like...I highly doubt that would happen to me.
But you never know.
It's so weird that you don't know what other people are thinking.
You could, I don't know, maybe feel like you're the only person who does a certain thing, or you could always worry about something so much...but then another person could be doing or thinking the exact same thing as you and you'll never know. You could always worry about the consequence or always worry about what people think and miss out on something great. Sometimes you have to just go for it.
If you don't take a risk, you could regret it.
If you do take that risk, and it doesn't turn out the way you want it to, you could regret it.
But you might not.
Either way...you could end up regretting it. So why not take the chance anyway?
"Started to not give a fuck and stopped fearing the consequence."
In my world, it's hilarious.
Like...I highly doubt that would happen to me.
But you never know.
It's so weird that you don't know what other people are thinking.
You could, I don't know, maybe feel like you're the only person who does a certain thing, or you could always worry about something so much...but then another person could be doing or thinking the exact same thing as you and you'll never know. You could always worry about the consequence or always worry about what people think and miss out on something great. Sometimes you have to just go for it.
If you don't take a risk, you could regret it.
If you do take that risk, and it doesn't turn out the way you want it to, you could regret it.
But you might not.
Either way...you could end up regretting it. So why not take the chance anyway?
"Started to not give a fuck and stopped fearing the consequence."
Friday, August 3, 2012
When things end....
it sucks.
So much anticipation can be built up just for one action, or one day...and then when it's over, it's like, "That's it?" And then you wait until something else exciting comes along and the process repeats.
I need a time machine. That would probably be the most vital thing I could own, if there was such a thing.
There are times that I want to fast forward a few days because the anticipation is too much to bear. And then when that one day I was looking forward to is over, I want that same time machine to rewind time so I can relive that special moment. It's weird, isn't it?
I have problems living when things are boring. When something exciting happens, I want nothing but exciting. Patience is a virtue but IIIIIII am veeeeeryyyy bad at being patient when it comes to looking forward to something.
So much anticipation can be built up just for one action, or one day...and then when it's over, it's like, "That's it?" And then you wait until something else exciting comes along and the process repeats.
I need a time machine. That would probably be the most vital thing I could own, if there was such a thing.
There are times that I want to fast forward a few days because the anticipation is too much to bear. And then when that one day I was looking forward to is over, I want that same time machine to rewind time so I can relive that special moment. It's weird, isn't it?
I have problems living when things are boring. When something exciting happens, I want nothing but exciting. Patience is a virtue but IIIIIII am veeeeeryyyy bad at being patient when it comes to looking forward to something.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Take a chance, make a change and breakaway...
Wow. Never thought my post last night about being fearless was actually going to work.... I finally took a leap. I was fearless. And it worked out :) More proof that I need to do things more often without worrying about the result of them. Also more proof that everything happens for a reason. I will always believe that.
Another 1:14 am thought...
Remember this feeling. The after concert feeling- like I can do anything just do it and try it stupid don't even think about it- feeling. When you were at that concert, you felt fearless. You were wishing he would just show up out of nowhere because, in that moment, you felt the courage to say hi. Too bad you can't try until tomorrow. And when you get the chance tomorrow, you won't. Because that feeling of courage will be gone. But remember it. Try hard and remember it. Place yourself back at the concert. Remember the way you felt. The feeling like someone sucked out all of your insides and you're just standing in a room with a bunch of people watching these amazing guys do something amazing and bone chilling and it makes you feel like your life is crap and all you want to do is take risks and do things and don't hold back feeling. THAT feeling. There's only one thing that gives you that feeling. Music. Because when you leave the concert, feeling like you're bleeding in front of everyone, but no, it's just your emotions.....that feeling is something you'll never feel again until you're at a concert again with a bunch of strangers and standing in a darkened ugly room waiting for that intense moment for the cheers and screams and the first note. The night of a concert, when you finally rest your head on your pillow, and crack a wide smile....that feeling is due to music. concerts. musicians. artists. performers. You may try to fill the cracks with something else, but nothing works. It's concerts. Those days are the days that you felt fearless, risky, bold, brave, and gutsy. If you're waiting to feel like that again, if you try...it won't happen. It can't just happen. So try to place yourself back in that moment, when the music is filling you up again....and channel the way you felt and just do it. Don't worry. Don't be scared. Don't be nervous. Stop thinking, more doing.
what is this nonsense at 12:57 am....
1. Concerts make me fearless. I just realized. I feel like....tomorrow when I wake up, I won't feel the same. But for now, I still have a little bit of that feeling. I get that tingly feeling, and the chilling feeling while at a concert, and I feel like.....this just makes me want to do anything. Save lives. Do anything I want for myself. Talk to a guy I like. Whatever. Concerts just make me want to do SOMETHING fearlessly. Don't worry about repercussions. Don't worry about what could go wrong. Just DO. Try. Shoot. Fall? If needed. But go. do. Try. Jump. Fearless. Motivation. Power. Courage. (Concerts make me feel so wise, I can tell...)
2. My musicians rock. I'm sorry. But. It's true. I'm very blessed to have seen my favorite musicians, and not yet have I seen that any of them are divas in the making. I mean...it DOES help that all of my favorite musicians are guys, but still. I just have a good sense of....not only when someone plays good music but also is this person/band nice to their fans? Do they care? Yes. I get that feeling from them all, which is great. I would hate to be a fan of people/someone with such great music and then have them have a horrible personality or treat their fans like crap, or never want to meet them after the show, or tweet them, or anything like that. No divas wanted.
3. Am I still going to be able to hear. I stop music. My ears ring. Concert results. That bass was crazy. The sound was crazy. Too loud. The mic was horrible. You know it's bad when at some points, you can't hear the lead singer over the rest of the band. Not the band's fault, I'm assuming. But man...I just hope I'll be able to hear normally again soon because, just saying, if I ever do go deaf, just kill me. I know deaf people have ways of feeling vibrations and all, but I just could never do it. Ever. Speaking of, I could tell that it was hard for them to sometimes hear what they were singing/sounding like during the concert. Imagine singing and not being able to hear yourself and you have no idea what you sound like. So weird. Must suck when hundreds of people are listening. Also, on another note, I think it's weird when I stop my music and there's silence surrounding me, that my ears ring. It's almost like my head is saying, "No. Don't stop the music." I need to have music playing 99% of the time, during any activity. Does that make me weird? Yes. Because I listen to music when I wake up and lay in bed, while I take a shower, while I get ready, in the car, in my room, on the radio, and when I get ready for bed at night and brush my teeth/wash my face. I actually listen to my iPod with headphones in the bathroom. I'm such a freak. But I'm not kidding when I say 99% of the time, I have music playing. I hate silence. I need music. Even walking to class. NEED IT. I need it more than air. One more weird thought....I have such weird rules when it comes to music. And weird preferences. Like...sometimes I'll skip so many songs on my iPod because none sound appealing at that moment. But that's going off topic...
4. Can I just permanently insert an iPod into my head so that I can have music playing around the clock? Yes? Because it'd also be helpful while trying to go to sleep. No headphones poking at me. No wires. No pausing. Just...all the time. No silence. I hate silence. Makes you think. I like when music makes me think. Gives me a mood if I can't figure one out for myself.
5. 2 concerts this year? thankful... No...I can't believe I've only been to two concerts this year. But I sort of can...First off, I'm broke. I can't afford many, so I try to choose people that I really love. I look at it this way: if I don't go, will I regret it? Have I seen this band/person enough times previously that I wouldn't be missing anything? (Answers: yes. no) Secondly, I basically just try to see my favorites. I have probably somewhere between 5-10 favorite musicians where it will really stick in my head until I make a solid decision if I'm seeing them or not. Will I pay for them? Will I be willing to travel? Luckily, I've seen two of my FAVORITE bands this year and those concerts have left me with more than I expected. Thankfully, my favorite band is now my favorite band because of that concert. A concert in which I cried at 3 am 5 days before the concert, debating whether or not to go. No, I'm not crazy. I listened to them at 3 in the morning, thinking over and over if I should shell out the little amount of money I have to see them. I started crying at the thought of seeing Safetysuit. At the thought of their amazing music. Then I knew. Yes, they were worth it. And it was worth it. Met them. That day was one of the best days of my life. So thankful for everything that happened that day, and the way that everything happened. Tonight? Parachute? Met them last year. Not tonight. It's okay. This concert was better than the concert before I met them. Parachute is one of my favorites. Worth going. Worth going alone. Because when the music starts, I blend in with all of the fans who know their lyrics by heart, and it doesn't matter where we're from, why we're there, who we're with, how old we are....it's all about what's onstage. In that moment. Anyway, I'm just so glad that I live in an area lucky enough to have a lot of people who I care about willing to come and play a show. Whether big or small, they've come here. I'm so thankful for that, not having to travel many hours. Not even one hour. This year, anyway. So, I just really am glad, even if I went to only 2 concerts in 8 months of the year, that they come here, to my city, care about us, play their hearts out, and leave me with great memories that instill the best days of my life.
One more thing....after a concert with LIVE music and raw passion, listening to the same music in your room SUCKS.
2. My musicians rock. I'm sorry. But. It's true. I'm very blessed to have seen my favorite musicians, and not yet have I seen that any of them are divas in the making. I mean...it DOES help that all of my favorite musicians are guys, but still. I just have a good sense of....not only when someone plays good music but also is this person/band nice to their fans? Do they care? Yes. I get that feeling from them all, which is great. I would hate to be a fan of people/someone with such great music and then have them have a horrible personality or treat their fans like crap, or never want to meet them after the show, or tweet them, or anything like that. No divas wanted.
3. Am I still going to be able to hear. I stop music. My ears ring. Concert results. That bass was crazy. The sound was crazy. Too loud. The mic was horrible. You know it's bad when at some points, you can't hear the lead singer over the rest of the band. Not the band's fault, I'm assuming. But man...I just hope I'll be able to hear normally again soon because, just saying, if I ever do go deaf, just kill me. I know deaf people have ways of feeling vibrations and all, but I just could never do it. Ever. Speaking of, I could tell that it was hard for them to sometimes hear what they were singing/sounding like during the concert. Imagine singing and not being able to hear yourself and you have no idea what you sound like. So weird. Must suck when hundreds of people are listening. Also, on another note, I think it's weird when I stop my music and there's silence surrounding me, that my ears ring. It's almost like my head is saying, "No. Don't stop the music." I need to have music playing 99% of the time, during any activity. Does that make me weird? Yes. Because I listen to music when I wake up and lay in bed, while I take a shower, while I get ready, in the car, in my room, on the radio, and when I get ready for bed at night and brush my teeth/wash my face. I actually listen to my iPod with headphones in the bathroom. I'm such a freak. But I'm not kidding when I say 99% of the time, I have music playing. I hate silence. I need music. Even walking to class. NEED IT. I need it more than air. One more weird thought....I have such weird rules when it comes to music. And weird preferences. Like...sometimes I'll skip so many songs on my iPod because none sound appealing at that moment. But that's going off topic...
4. Can I just permanently insert an iPod into my head so that I can have music playing around the clock? Yes? Because it'd also be helpful while trying to go to sleep. No headphones poking at me. No wires. No pausing. Just...all the time. No silence. I hate silence. Makes you think. I like when music makes me think. Gives me a mood if I can't figure one out for myself.
5. 2 concerts this year? thankful... No...I can't believe I've only been to two concerts this year. But I sort of can...First off, I'm broke. I can't afford many, so I try to choose people that I really love. I look at it this way: if I don't go, will I regret it? Have I seen this band/person enough times previously that I wouldn't be missing anything? (Answers: yes. no) Secondly, I basically just try to see my favorites. I have probably somewhere between 5-10 favorite musicians where it will really stick in my head until I make a solid decision if I'm seeing them or not. Will I pay for them? Will I be willing to travel? Luckily, I've seen two of my FAVORITE bands this year and those concerts have left me with more than I expected. Thankfully, my favorite band is now my favorite band because of that concert. A concert in which I cried at 3 am 5 days before the concert, debating whether or not to go. No, I'm not crazy. I listened to them at 3 in the morning, thinking over and over if I should shell out the little amount of money I have to see them. I started crying at the thought of seeing Safetysuit. At the thought of their amazing music. Then I knew. Yes, they were worth it. And it was worth it. Met them. That day was one of the best days of my life. So thankful for everything that happened that day, and the way that everything happened. Tonight? Parachute? Met them last year. Not tonight. It's okay. This concert was better than the concert before I met them. Parachute is one of my favorites. Worth going. Worth going alone. Because when the music starts, I blend in with all of the fans who know their lyrics by heart, and it doesn't matter where we're from, why we're there, who we're with, how old we are....it's all about what's onstage. In that moment. Anyway, I'm just so glad that I live in an area lucky enough to have a lot of people who I care about willing to come and play a show. Whether big or small, they've come here. I'm so thankful for that, not having to travel many hours. Not even one hour. This year, anyway. So, I just really am glad, even if I went to only 2 concerts in 8 months of the year, that they come here, to my city, care about us, play their hearts out, and leave me with great memories that instill the best days of my life.
One more thing....after a concert with LIVE music and raw passion, listening to the same music in your room SUCKS.
But music, though...
I just had a hot pocket and doritos and cheez its and some pizza goldfish
i've eaten shit all day
pbj and then snacks
WENT TO THE PARACHUTE CONCERT
saw katelyn tarver open...wasn't looking forward to her, which I figured I'd regret. and I did. she was really good. love her song "love alone"....I mean, it's just like so relatable and what every girl thinks. Met her after her set and she was so friendly:)
Then the Cab came on and I only knew "Bad" because I tried to listen to some of their songs before I saw them. I love that song. Unfortunately, that's it, for now at least. I didn't really care for them. It was sort of the venue's fault or whoever was doing sound because the sound SUCKED. So loud. Like...concerts are fun and loud and all that but this one wasn't. Ahhh. And I just wanted to see Parachute.
So then there was like SERIOUSLY 45 minutes between the Cab and Parachute because I think that there were sound difficulties. I was getting sooo impatient. I hadn't eaten much all day and was starting to get worn out. Parachute came on around 10. It was worth it. About 3 songs away from the end, I felt so so so dizzy but stayed where I was. If I passed out...oh well :) I was not moving. It was just great being so close. Like, I say that I hate the venue that I went to because sometimes the sound sucks or the security sucks but quite honestly to have a pretty good view from ANYWHERE in the entire venue and even get really close for only like 10 or 15 dollars every concert is great. I have to admit. So, I wasn't front row or anything but I had a pretty good view especially for sitting for most of the concert before Parachute. They were just so amazing. I can't explain it. I feel like ever since David Archuleta, I've just like....I've had such expectations at concerts and as I go to more, these favorite musicans of mine just make me fall in love with music even more. But the thing is, the venue matters. I saw Parachute last year open up for Goo Goo Dolls and they did 3-4 songs and I had inside seats and it just wasn't that great. Nothing against them. But seeing them there tonight, so close up, on such a small stage, with the music coming together like that, was really great. And it's an added bonus when the band/artist you're going for isn't opening which means fans know all of the lyrics and can sing along when asked to. It's so weird when you're totally enthusiastic about seeing someone and others are like...."Who?"
Anyway, this concert was spectacular. Standing on pianos. Crowd run throughs. Sax solos. Amazing drumming. I focused on every member of the band for some time during the concert, really noticing how each member added their own little thing to the band. I'm always a lead singer type of girl, usually crushing on their smooth looks or their voice that can make everything feel okay in the world, but when I see a band live, I really notice how all of the members tie together and put on a concert, not just the singer. This show was just soooo good.
After seeing David many times, and then SafetySuit in April and being blown away by them, I really knew I'd be more in love after tonight's concert. The thing about me is that I go to concerts usually of people I REALLLY love, partly because I'm broke, and because if someone doesn't have my attention before, usually I won't think they were that great. But Parachute is one of my favorite bands, so I knew I would be so happy I went after this. And I went by myself. Which is really not fun to do but you gotta do what you gotta do and in the end, I end up singing along and dancing as if I just blend together with the rest of the fans.
Nights like these, concerts like these, make me just love music. I mean, I'm a music major, but I'm having a slow start. I'm majoring in music, yes, but I really don't know anything, and won't until I start music theory this month. Concerts like these just make me want to learn everything there is to know. I don't personally want to play these instruments myself but I just want to learn about them anyway, about the notes, the sounds, also audio and how to put a song together, composing, concerts....anything. I just have no greater feeling than being at a concert. As Meredith Grey says, "That was such a high. I don't know why anyone does drugs."....she was referring to surgery, but I feel that listening to live lyrics, lyrics that have saved or changed my life, are better ways of feeling than actually fixing someone physically. I can't even begin to explain the way music makes me feel, and when I hear amazing songs at home, that's one thing. But then live....that's a whole different feeling. It's my high. It's those days that are the greatest of my life, the ones I'll remember. Seeing my favorite musicians do what they love to do, and what they're great at, and seeing them change my life from simply standing on a stage and belting out some tunes or lyrics.
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