busyyyy busyyyy

School is keeping me prettttyyyy busy, but it's okay. I mean...no, it's not. I'd like the workload to get a little lighter but it could definitely be worse. And half of it is music classes, which I don't mind. I just need to start improving. I struggle whenever I do my songwriting homework, and it takes forever. I struggle when I play the keyboard, so I have to practice more. I struggle doing music theory so I need to read and study more. But, this is all necessary to get better at music and I'm totally going to do it and I'm all for it. If I'm going to be overwhelmed with one subject, I'm glad it's music.

someone help me

i'm drowning in a pool of music theory

The school year begins....

It's late Thursday night, and school started Monday, so after my class tomorrow, the first week will already be over. I can't believe the first week went by so quickly. I feel like this semester is going to fly by. I'm really content with this semester so far, after the disastrous first day I had. But I can tell that I'm really going to enjoy my three music classes, even though I'm really lost. I promised myself that I'd get A+ in my music classes. I would like to try for all 5, though. So I'm looking forward to what this semester will bring. And I already met some nice people in my classes!

On another note, I've really changed, in my opinion. I'm not a huge risk taker but even with small things, I've been getting better this year. I feel like if you're going to regret not taking the chance and could possibly regret taking the chance, you might as well just go for that chance. I've done things that I told myself I could do and faced things that I've struggled head on. I'm really proud of myself. Even with this upcoming semester, I can tell how things are going to play out. A lot of things happened during this past week where I've had to tell myself to calm down and I've had to reassure myself that I can do things. I can do what I want. I won't let anything stop me. I'm determined. I'm really glad that I've finally taken some chances, even if they are small. Hopefully they'll pay off even more.

show me that good things come to those who wait.

you can.

I actually think getting into a relationship is impossible. Like...it has to be.
You start to think so when EVERYONE and their mother are in a relationship. When everyone around you is in one. Especially when someone has been in like....3 different ones in like 3 years! I can't even get into one. It's impossible. It's impossible to talk to guys. Impossible to ever recognize if they like you or want you to get the hell away from them, and impossible to keep liking. Which is why I've had to get over every single guy. It's just....others make it look so easy.
Phases:
1. You like someone.
2. They like you.
3. You start a relationship.

I'm always at phase like....1.5. Never 3. Ever. Or like......2.3. And then it ends. Never makes it to 3. Lately it hasn't even been making it past phase 1. I know you're not supposed to rush these things but it just gets annoying and endless and then you see the people around you....

I wish I could go back....

to before I had anxiety. Like, two or three years ago. It sucks when it comes along one day and since it's something mental, it can't ever really go away. Even if it does go away for a little while, it can always come back or it will always be in the back of your mind. Once it starts, it's here to stay. I wish I could go back to before, before I ever worried about things too much. Because anxiety SUCKS.

Happy Birthday, Aunt Jackie.

Today would have been my Aunt Jackie's 50th birthday. She died of cancer, though, on November 20th, 2002. As I was driving today, I passed the cemetery that she was buried in, and I thought, "Screw you, cancer." I don't think about her a lot, which makes me feel guilty, but when it's her birthday and the anniversary of the day that she died, I do think about her and I miss her. I always did things with her when I was a kid and I know I still would have today if she were still alive. She would have been so much fun. Being  8 or so, she was a lot of fun, and I can just imagine how much fun she'd be right now, when I'm 20. No one in my family is crazy like me but she was. So now I'm the one expected to make things fun and such. I miss her some days, and I wish she were still here. Screw you, cancer. Happy Birthday, Aunt Jackie<3

Everybody hurts...

Ever had a person you liked where, in the end, you didn't end up hurt? Probably not.
Unless they were your first love and they loved you back and you're still together now, chances are you've been hurt by somebody else that you had feelings for.
It's weird. Everyone gets hurt. There's really no situation in which you or the other person won't get hurt.
I feel like many people are reluctant or scared to get in a relationship with someone else either because that person would end up hurt, or the other person would end up hurt. Either way, somebody loses. So why not go for it anyway?
Like, for example: you're a girl with a crush on a guy and that guy has been hurt in the past by another girl, therefore is nervous or hesitant about starting a relationship with you, but he LIKES you. It's like...okay, well if you're going to tell me that we can't date because you're scared of getting hurt, then you, the girl, end up getting hurt. And if the guy doesn't want to get into a relationship with that girl because he's scared he's not ready and he might end up wanting to break up with her, so he tries to spare her feelings by not getting together with her, SHE still ends up being hurt. So basically, you might as well try the relationship out and if you end up hurting her, fine. Either way, she ends up hurt. It's almost a choice of who ends up hurt: you, or are you selfish and just feel that hurting the other person would be best?

And if you like someone, but think...oh, this could end up hurting me in the end, so you try not to like them anymore then you do...that hurts too. Love sucks. Any way you do it, someone gets hurt. No matter who you are.
Love causes pain but everybody gets through it at one point or another. It's just a question of is the pain worth the happiness you'll get before it?

AHAHAHAH

Life is just funny, ya know?
All during high school, in gym class, I couldn't and didn't WANT to do much. I'd get out of breath easily. I'd be too...bored to do anything in gym. Like...it's gym. The only thing exercise I did was played softball outside of school during the spring.
So I'm laughing inside right now because I joined my gym in May 2011, and joining was a joke. I wouldn't go. Like ever. I'd pay $30 for nothing. I'd go maybe once a week during the school year. So when school ended for the summer, I was like, "okay, I'm going to use this membership." I've now been going 5 days a week. School starts again in 9 days though, so we'll see if I keep it up but I REALLY want to. Anyway, I try to jog on the track or treadmill at the gym. JOKE.
Back in May or so, I'd jog on the treadmill. I'd feel so proud if I could get a good 1 minute in without stopping. After that, I switched to the track. I finally got over the fear that I looked like this while running on the track:

So, I just forgot about that and started running on the track. I can't freaking do it. People run for like, ten minutes! I can't even do one! I either get dizzy, have side pain, cramps, stomach pain, or my legs hurt. So today, I asked my friend and she's like, "oh, you have shin splints." So now, I'm googling them and looking them up and you're supposed to rest. Are you kidding me. I'm trying so hard to be able to increase my endurance and now I have this problem preventing me from running at all. These websites say to try alternatives, such as cycling. Good one. I do that already on my bike everyday and on the bike at the gym. But I absolutely LOVE running, even though I can't do it for long at all. I just love the freedom of it. I have bad anxiety, so I like to run it out and just forget about everything. I love sprinting. I love feeling like my legs are going to fall off. And now I can't even do that anymore?!?! Now I'm going from running 20 seconds to no seconds?!? This sucks. I actually wanted to try to get fit and get into shape and be able to run long distances but how can I if my body sucks? My mind is in it, but my body isn't. And I can't even buy actual running shoes since I'm broke. This blows. Guess I'm stuck biking at the gym and walking the track, which gets so boring.

Move Over, Taylor Swift.

I'm comin' for ya.
Your lyrics are getting old fast.
I really wish I knew how to write music. I write lyrics, which at this point, are basically poems since I can't write music. I cannot WAIT for music theory this semester. And my keyboard class. I just want to know what I'm doing when I write music for the lyrics I write. They need a melody. They can't be just words. I need to do more. I have JOURNALS of lyrics from the past like, 8 years, and I need to do something with them.
Of course, I don't out any guy that I liked in my songs. By name, anyway.

I can tell you two things that feel horrible.

1. Anxiety. Something you CANNOT control. Well, you can try. But it's hard. Over the summer, my anxiety has decreased because I don't have much to do. I don't know whether it was the upcoming stress or just today, but today my anxiety was BAD. It was like it was before summer. Which was very horrible. It's really hard to sit comfortably and just be at peace. Something is always nagging you. It's the crappiest feeling.

2. Being excited for something and having it not turn out the way you wanted it to. Disappointment is not fun. Being let down is not fun. Being confused when someone acts a certain way is not fun. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do to prevent disappointment is to try not to get your hopes up....which is really hard.

So....my night tonight? -- > Anxiety attacks + disappointment = mental breakdown.
Had a crying fit tonight, and wasn't even sure exactly what I was crying about, then a half hour later....All better. It's the weirdest thing. Sometimes you just need to cry, vent, write...whatever. It really helps. Some days, it just feels like everything can come buckling down at once, and it can become overwhelming but you need to move on.

aaand the memories come pouring back.

It's always lovely when you're over something and you're living your life all fine and innocent and BAM there's a second where memories just come pouring back into your mind out of nowhere and you're stuck reliving them. I try to shake my head as if they could actually fall out but fail. It's like....no, memories, I don't want you. I just get transported to another world when these memories come. It's like....I freeze, I relive the things that happened in my head, as if I'm in the story all over again. It's not fun. You remember a time when you actually felt happy, and your mind is just like, "Here....remember this?" and maybe it's a way of your mind telling you that at one point, you were happy. But, for now...it's just a stinging remembrance that I would prefer to never enter my head again.

Hopeless Romantic?

I'd say that's what I am. I stumbled across something on tumblr and saw this:

"

Definition of a Hopeless Romantic

Hopeless Romantic:

1: A person who daydreams about romantic occasions and dreams of chances where he/she will be able to perform a romantic act to their love, yet never gets the chance to.

2: This person is in love with love. They believe in fairy tales and love. They’re not to be confused as stalkers or creepy because that’s not what a hopeless romantic is. All hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers, the imaginative, and the fanciful when you get to know them. They often live with rose colored glasses on. They make love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone.

3. A hopeless romantic is not the same as a hopeless flirter. A hopeless romantic dreams of who they will spend the rest of their life with and what the two of them will do together. They want to be romanced with sweet simple things and the thoughtful amazing surprises. They dream of being loved but also loving somebody. They don’t just want somebody to hold them, they also want to hold someone. They realize that love isn’t just about one person but both people, they are hopelessly in love with being loved AND loving back.

4. Someone that thinks of love passionately.

5. A hopeless romantic is one who looks for the a singular person on this world that makes their world come together. They are indeed looking for the man or woman of their dreams. As a result, they prefer not to live in reality. The hopeless romantic knows the reality of love is that reality has no business being in love. This is why they will often perform grandiose gestures that may be seen as unsettling or borderline crazy to non-romantics. But to the fellow few romantics, these same gestures will be adored as beautifully and obscenely quixotic. And such is the “hope” of the hopeless romantic- to not only find the one who loves receiving such love, but loves giving such love. And the true hopeless romantic would always rather give than receive. Because they know then and only then, will there be true love.

"

I'd say that's me in a nutshell.

GAHHHHHH

SO FRUSTRATING.
I can never seem to write a full song anymore.
Ever since middle school, I've been writing lyrics about things going on in my life. I don't know how to write music, so I just write lyrics. But I wouldn't say that they're poems.
So, I have so many journals filled with lyrics I've written.
It just sucks because I'd say, ever since high school ended, I can never seem to write a full song. It's like a line here or there, or a few paragraphs, but I can never seem to finish one and it's so frustrating. I don't know what happened.

Things seem to be going my way...

In certain aspects. I'm scared. Whenever good things happen, I feel like something bad is following. I can't be the only one who feels that way, though...
Like...I went to another one of my doctors today and I got good results. I went to another one a month ago and I've been seeing GREAT results. It's weird. Actually going to the doctors and finding out what's wrong and having it actually be fixed....It's different.
And, in other things too, I feel lucky. Lately.
We'll see how the rest of August goes, especially when school starts....