Obsessed.

I am obsessed with the James Holmes case. As I'm watching a show about the brain and psychology and such. I just can't get enough of this stuff. I just realized, that sometimes, with all of the murders in the world, I only seem to be interested in ones where a shooting is involved. That makes me sound twisted or weird or something, but I can't help it. If you murder someone close to you, at least there's an obvious link. Like you know the person. But if you are a random person who shoots massive amounts of random people....it makes me wonder so much more than any other type of murder case. James Holmes had another court hearing today and his maximum sentence is execution and his minimum sentence is life in prison without parole. Those seem like the same to me. Quite honestly, I'd rather get execution than spend the rest of my life rotting away in jail. That's the thing....that's what makes me wonder so much what made him do this. One of my friends said she thinks he did it for the fame and I just disagree completely. You'd think if that were true, he'd be eating up the limelight. But he's not saying a word in these trials. I just feel like he didn't do that for the fame. I'm not sure as to what I think about if he has a mental disorder or not, but I don't feel like the motive was just to go down in history as killing so many people. I mean, if that were true, he'd HAVE to be insane. How could you KNOW that you would get caught yet still do something like that and KNOW that you had a life in prison ahead of you? Although, on the other hand, if he actually is insane, he apparently can just be let out into the world about 6-10 years down the road...which is so scary to think about. So it's like...maybe he's insane and knew that he could get off with that and be okay? I have no idea. This case just keeps spiraling in my head and I keep thinking of all these new things. It's the psychology. I love psychology. I love knowing why people do things, think things, say things. I really have no clue about why he did this, but those are my thoughts. I just could never imagine doing anything that would end up giving you a life in prison. Waiting, rotting, wilting away in prison until you die. It's just....no life. So to do that to your own life, you have to take innocent peoples' lives? I just don't get it. I don't think I ever will, but this case has definitely given me something to think about and is giving me something to try to wrap my brain around. Too bad I'm failing at it.

a miracle.

It's been 2 and a half weeks since I started my newest medicine for my IBS. It has worked from day one until now. Sure, I have had/still have some side effects bothering me as well as some nausea/queasiness but I have not had ANY stomach pain at all in the past two and a half weeks. Hardly. Compared to the past SIX YEARS of torture, I just can't believe it. After trials and trials of medication and tests and appointments, finally there's a medicine that improves my life 98%, allowing it to be lived much easier. I am just so happy and I can't thank my doctor enough. I actually want to write him a letter thanking him since I'm not seeing him until November (but I probably won't). If this medication keeps working like this, it's safe to say this man has changed my life. I've had miserable times being scared to eat or scared to wake up and see if I will endure a stomachache and if my plans will be ruined that day. Not anymore. I really hope this lasts and I'm sure it will, but it just seems too good to be true. I actually may start looking for jobs again soon. It's so weird knowing that having a job is now a possibility. I actually tear up now thinking about how I used to be so bad and within a half of a month, everything feels great again.

Tell me all the things that i'll be missing here in this old life....

I need to take risks. I am not a risktaker whatsoever. The riskiest thing I do is maybe try a new food or something. Like, seriously. I never take chances when it comes to guys. And feelings. And telling them my feelings. or telling friends when i'm upset. I avoid confrontations. I don't take risks when it comes to school. Or life in general.
I am not a risk taker.
Now, I'm despppperately trying to find a way to see my favorite band this fall, which is so difficult. The main thing interfering is school. They're coming to NYC, the closest location, on a school day. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have 5 classes. I looked anyway on how I could get there and I almmoooost had it when I realized that the latest bus departing NYC to home leaves at 9 pm, when the show starts at 7. I actually thought I could have made it before then. Tickets to the concert are about $20. Tickets for the bus are about $10 either roundtrip or each way. I can manage that. I wouldn't need a hotel. But..then I saw that that's the latest a bus leaves, which would mean missing half the show. Pointless. So now I'm looking into Ohio and taking a train there. It happens to be 10 hours away BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT on a day/few days where I have school off because of a holiday. Only thing...10 HOURS. And no transportation. And then there's the matter of hotels. I think I'm just going to have to sit this tour out but it's killing me. Way to have me see a band that I've been a fan of (but not a huge fan) for years, meet them after the show, think they're the most amazing guys, then have them come nowhere near here on their next tour AFTER I fall in love with them and become obsessed with the members themselves as well as the music. Thanks, life.
Like I said, I must "find a way" (as one of their songs is called)....I need to take a risk. Or get rich.

It's been awhile.

Whoops, I've been a little busy lately. That's the way my summer goes. I'll be so bored with nothing to do for days, then I'll be busy for days, then back to bored with nothing to do. I can't believe that school starts a month from today. August 27th. I can't decide if I want to go or not. I'm dreading it but I'm sure when it starts, it'll be okay. I'm taking 3 music classes and 2 other classes, so mostly music classes will be great. I'm just scared for like...all of the homework again because EVERY semester, homework takes over my life. Also, I'll probably start applying for jobs soon and that will interfere with school as well. We'll see. I hope this semester goes sort of smoothly, though. Last semester wasn't the best. Full days are killer. Which is what I have every Tuesday/Thursday this semester. BUT. The only thing that keeps me uplifted/happy is the fact that it will be fall and Halloween will come and Christmas and holidays and they just make me so happy that it doesn't matter what else is going on! So, we'll see how this semester goes but I'm going to enjoy my last month of summer :)

If dreams could be reality...

"You only live once." "No regrets." "Live life to the fullest."
It's easy to recite these sayings over and over but when it comes time to actually DO what they say, it's not so easy. I fall into this trap. Out of context or a certain situation, I say, "next time I'm in this situation, maybe I will take a chance. I need to take a risk. What can it hurt?" Then when the time comes to actually do what I want, I freeze. I am such a chicken. Being awkward and shy at first, while meeting someone, doesn't help at all, either. But I really need to get over it. When I think about the things I want to happen and HOW they're actually happening in my life, dreams vs. reality, reality sucks and my dreams win. But reality stays reality and my dreams stay my dreams. It's easy to imagine something you wish to happen and then when it comes time to actually make it happen....back to dreaming. In my life, things only happen in my mind because I'm too lame to make them happen and I end up regretting it. But still, when the time comes again, after telling myself to take a leap of faith, do I change anything? Nope. It's just back and forth with me. Reality always wins.

For once, I followed my heart.

I just watched a video of my favorite singer talk about why he's on a mission and why he chose certain songs for his newest album. The title of this post as well as the title of this entire blog goes along with David's decisions in life, mainly his latest decision to go on his mission. Whenever he was confused, he'd pray and he'd get his answer. He had a certain feeling telling him what to do. I'm not religious, but I just think that the lyric "For once I followed my heart" can be applied to anything in life. David had a feeling that he needed to go on this mission, and he followed that feeling, and followed his heart. I miss him so much but I still respect him for doing what he's doing.

how great is singing?

...in the car? alone?
I don't sing one word of a song if someone is near me, but if I'm home alone or driving alone, watch out.
I just went to the gym and "For the First Time" by the Script came on and ohhhh man. Now I'm at home listening to "Give Your Heart a Break" and this song is my JAAAMMM but I'm not home alone so no singing for me. I looooove singing, so much. I really want to take lessons at school but you have to pay I think and/or be a vocal performance major, and I'm just a general music major.
Guess singing is something I'll have to keep to myself aside from my school choir.

why must I be a hypochondriac?

Okay, so that term might not apply now, but usually I am.
I'm on new medication for my IBS and it's helping my stomach SO much.
It's great. I feel like I can eat anything (almost) and not feel sick, but the side effects are unwanted.
Now, me being a complete google maniac and googling everything there is to know about this new medicine, I've read the following:

1. side effects can take a few weeks to wear off.
2. don't stop taking this medicine abruptly or without consulting your doctor first

well, I've had about 5-6 side effects now, and never on any of my other medications have I experienced side effects to this extent. I'm thinking that it's because this is an antidepressant, even in a low dose. So, I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow to see if I should stay on and wait for the side effects to wear off, or just stop taking it and maybe try something else, or just don't go on another med and have my stomach suck again.

It sucks I can't stop taking it until I call my doctor. I'm not even sure how I could slowly come off of this medicine, since I think that I'm taking the lowest dose there is. 

Man, antidepressants are scary stuff.

sunny saturday

Today, I went to this food festival thing in Troy, called "Pig Out". It had tons of different food, mostly involving barbecue. It was so insanely hot. I can't take the heat even for 5 seconds anymore. I'm so glad I didn't go back to my summer job this year because I think I would have passed out. I don't know how I never did all of the other summers.
Anyway, I saw a cute guy working at one of the lemonade vendors and I went over to get one from there and my mom's friend came with me. She's' like, "$5.00? For this? I'll pretend it's for a good cause." and the cute guy was like, "Yeah, the good cause is me." I was like.... ohhhmygod. Then he handed me my HUGE lemonade & I left. That was the end of that. But when he handed me this gigantic cup of strawberry lemonade, I thought he was joking. I totally thought he was just making the lemonade in that container and then just going to pour it into a cup. But nope. Then it was soooo long, cute guy.

Then, we just hung around, and as I was standing in front of another vendor, I saw this girl walked by and I yelled her name and it was one of my old friends from high school, who I haven't seen SINCE we graduated high school three years ago. It was funny, she was such a close friend through the four years we took chorus together. She's doing well though, so that's good to know. We ended up talking about the people we graduated with. I told her that I hardly keep in touch with anyone from high school, and how it's weird that some seem like they're still doing the same thing they were then, or acting the same way. It's weird to think that you see these people for four years, everyday, and then after graduation, it's like POOF. But maybe it's better that way (as for certain people, at least).

I have no self-control.

I got new meds for my IBS and the side effects are weight gain. I mean, that's obvious, since the medicine is supposed to help my stomach, so obviously I'd want to eat more.
And that's JUST what has happened since I took mine late Wednesday night. I've been craving so much food, and indulging. Trying to forget that I have IBS. But I do. And I learned that last night, when I ate ....wayyyyy too much chocolate along with other crap and thought I was going to be sick. I really need to remember that I DON'T want to gain weight and I DON'T want to overeat or be in pain. I just want to be able to eat simple meals without wondering if they'll bother me. I really need to keep in mind that I can't just eat anything I want.
On the bright side, I don't want to jinx anything, but I feel like the medicine is already helping. I really hope that it's not just in the beginning or that it's like....not real. I really need this medicine to help so that I can tell my doctor that it works and we can get a better idea of what helps me. I really feel hopeful with this one though, for many reasons. Maybe I'll finally be able to get my life on track. I just really need to start eating more sensible.

cliché.

I may be lame in thinking this, but I really do think that everything happens for a reason. I feel like....everything is sort of planned out a certain way and you don't know it, but if you feel like something goes wrong, that's just the way it's supposed to happen. Sort of weird if you think about it. I mean, right now, I could be thinking I'm going to do something and then completely change my mind to try to throw the universe off, but in the end that could be what was supposed to happen anyway!
I don't know. I just kind of think about these things a lot. Maybe small things aren't always a big deal, but big things? Yeah, I feel like whatever happens is supposed to happen.
I've had nagging feelings when I wonder if I should do something, and then when I do it, and it turns out great, I feel like...I'm so glad that I did that and I would have regretted it if I didn't.
I've had one event in my life that falls under this and that day sort of had a huge impact on me and was one of the best days of my life. Every little thing that happened that day, I feel like was supposed to happen. There's my little rant that I was thinking of while laying in bed last night.

well....hey there!

Many things running through my mind for my first post:

Do I write my first post about a topic very near to my heart? (Music).

Do I try to be witty and funny? (It won't come off as witty and funny in this post, I'm sure).

Do I say how I don't think anyone will even read this blog, and how it's not my first blog I've ever had? (No...that would be irrelevant and pointless).

Do I tell you what song I'm currently listening to? (By the time I type the name out, I'll be on a new song).

So, after all of that, I'm still sitting here wondering which subject is important enough to become my first post.

Eh, might as well type out whatever crap is in my head. Many things. At this current moment, there are a lot of thoughts running through my head.

I've been way into oldie songs lately. Songs that I hear on the stations my parents listen to, songs that my parents grew up with, as opposed to....the amazing music WE get the joy to grow up with!

I'm listening to "Roll to Me" by Del Amitri right now, and 5 minutes ago was "I Only Wanna Be With You" by Hootie and the Blowfish. Old songs make me so happy. It's amazing how much music has changed and how different it sounds. It makes you wonder what it will be like even more into the future. (Starting "Listen to the Music" by Doobie Brothers now). At least music is something that can never go away. Like... you don't have to worry about keeping it safe incase there's a fire or something. It's ALWAYS there. The internet now has given us many opportunities to allow access to anything these days. So it's great to know that no matter how old you get, and no matter how much music changes, you know that you'll always be able to listen to a song that you really want to listen to. I was just thinking the other day....music is the one thing that helps me out through anything I'm going through. If I'm happy and feel like being sad or feel like thinking or contemplating...put a sad song on. If you're in a horrible mood, put on an inspirational song. Music is something you can't SEE, yet it has the power to do anything. Sure, you can see instruments and equipment but as for actual songs, without sheet music, music is something where you can just sit and it surrounds you without actually being seen. It's amazing. Some people have people who are always there for them to help them out through things, and some have other ways of coping. For me, it's music. Being a music major, I am pretty ashamed to call myself one. I can't play an instrument. I can't read music. I don't know fancy music lingo. But if I were to completely drop being a music major...it wouldn't feel right. I know that music is my one passion and the one thing that I need to breathe, even if I can't really justify myself as a music major yet. I'm getting there. It's been a rough path to actually take important music classes that will teach me something a music major should know, and I'm finally taking those classes this fall. Should be an exciting semester! I can't wait to learn even more about a language that connects so many people, a language that connects people more than anything else can, in my opinion.

Did that paragraph even make sense? In any way? I'm drifting off right now. It's only 12:03 am. I can usually go way longer than this, but I'll attribute my newest medication to that, as well as my workouts at the gym.

Onto that topic, if anyone has read this far. I've been a member at my gym for a year and two months now, and I'm sorry to say that when I was in school, I basically just flung my money at the gym without even actually USING the gym. I would go maybe....twice a month? I would be dishing out $30 a month for that, and that's hard when you are unemployed. But THANKFULLY, I got the good sense to actually utilize the gym and NOT throw my money away, as soon as school ended. I've now been going 5-6 days a week, depending on how I feel. I'm very proud to say that I've been going Monday-Friday, usually. And at first, I wouldn't do much. I'm happy to say that tonight, after I got done doing my 20 minute bike ride on the bikes, my shirt actually had visible sweat. That has never happened before! I've done exercises on the treadmill, jogged some laps on the track, used the elliptical...but I feel like the bike is my calling. Last week, I started getting serious. A few weeks ago, I would go on the bike and chat with friends and just go on level 1 and not even hurt an ounce. It was pathetic. And then I would leave all proud of myself like, "Well, I made it to the gym!" ....So stupid. So last week, I cut the crap and actually decided to push myself. I am now doing 4-5 miles each day. I can do 4 miles in about 19-20 minutes. I'm not quite sure if that's still sad, or really good, but all I know is that I am in pain when I am on that bike because I push myself, and I can even see my heart rate go SO high that it feels like my heart is about to fall out of my chest. I need to soon increase what I'm doing, but I feel really happy with where I am right now. I can tell that my legs are getting stronger and I can now do higher levels and I never really have to go down to level one to relax on the bike a little. I really want to get into shape, and not just for the summer or anything. I just want to have muscle and be strong. It's going to take awhile, and I really have no clue what I'm doing at the gym, but any type exercise is always a step forward! 

Whoops....wrote a little bit more than I thought I would but I tend to rant in person so why would this blog be any different?